Post 199...Goodbye my son

I'm not even sure where to being....
On May 12 I had unusual discharge, like a mucus plug that came out unexpectedly. I called the nurse for my Obgyn and told her the situation. She explained to me that it didn't sound unusual. Since there was no blood or unusual odor, it was probably just normal discharge and that, sometimes in pregnancy, the discharge can get kind of heavy. She told me to keep watch on it and make sure there wasn't a continual increase in discharge over the next few days because it might be a sign of infection.

Over the next couple days, things seemed to settle down and the discharge nearly went away. But on Thursday May 18th, I started to get a large amount of runny wet discharge in the evening. The following morning, May 19th, I woke up to even more wet discharge. I called the Obgyn and the nurse told me to come in as soon as possible. My husband picked me up from work and we rushed there right away.

After doing a pelvic exam, the doctor informed me that I had what is called an incompetent cervix. As a result, I was already dilating and she could already see the fluid sac coming down.

At 11am I was rushed to the hospital. They ran tests and did an ultrasound to determine if an emergency cerclage could be performed to save the baby. We sat there for nearly an hour watching our baby on the ultrasound monitor, watching him roll around, stretch, and even yawn. The woman performing the ultrasound said he looked great.

I wish that moment lasted longer. I wish we could have frozen time from that moment on. Because shortly to follow was another doctor who informed us that there was nothing that could be done to save the pregnancy. My water had already broken and the fluid sack was too far down to reverse the damage. They were going to have to induce me and we were going to lose the baby. All I can remember was feeling a hot prickly feeling run through my body as I watched my husband sitting beside my bed, holding his head, tears running down his face. Guilt, sadness, anger, hope, it all ran through me before I could even comprehend what was going on. No matter how many times he tried to reassure me there was nothing we could do and they were 100% positive this pregnancy was a lost cause, I couldn't help but think that there had to be something that could be done. That maybe the fluid sake would slip back in by some miracle, that perhaps I could just keep my pelvis elevated and maybe the baby could be saved....anything but lose him.

On May 20th, a month ago today, at 1pm, I gave birth to our son. He was 11 1/2 inches long, weighing 11oz. He had long legs and his hands and feet were big like his dad's, the long legs and big feet that liked to kick me after every meal I ate. God how I miss that feeling. He had my nose. He had perfect little fingers and toes that had little nails on them, the same fingers that would have wrapped around my husband's finger. In his open little mouth I could see his sweet little tongue that would have drank from my breast. For a wondrous and terrible moment, we held our son and wept over his lifeless body. On May 20, 2010, we gave birth to our son Joseph Eugene Lawrence Belousek Jr., our beautiful baby boy. I will always remember him and the way he changed my life forever.

I'll love you forever,
I like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My son you will be.
Goodbye my little Pickle.

Post 198...Updates on the walking incubator

I never knew how difficult every day activities would become once I got pregnant. In the morning I'm running to the kitchen for breakfast so as to stave off the nausiating hunger pains that built up over the night. During the day I'm beginning to drag my feet at work, choking back emotional ups and downs that hit me in times of stress. By 9pm I'm falling asleep on the couch, only to wake up and start it all again. All things considered, it's been an extremely easy pregnancy. My morning sickness has gone and for the most part, my mood swings are minimal (or at least, so I hope. My husband swears that I've been fine minus my times of random crying that seems to hit me more than anything else.), and even on the weight side of things I haven't been gaining too much or too fast. Which is surprizing considering this baby has me craving cheeseburgers and butterfinger blizzards that I have unfortunately givin into a couple of times. >_< And yet, in spite of the junk I have been giving into from time to time, I haven't gained much weight and I'm just barely starting to show now at a little over 16 weeks. Today, however, I'm determined to get some healthier snacks in the house and try desperately not to give in to the trash this baby wants to eat. Pickle's not even born yet and already they're so much like their father! lol

There have been great things happening, however, in all my daze of work and sleep. On April 2nd, for the first time, we got to hear the baby's heart beat. It was exhilarating! I was so glad we caught it on tape because it seemed like the moment came and went in an instant. So when we got home, we watched it over and over again. The heartbeat was at a strong 150+. We even got to hear the little blip of them kicking at the microphone! It certainly made everything feel more real.

Lately I've been feeling some flutters of movement (or what I think is the baby moving anyway). It's a subtle feeling like a mix between a muscle spasm and gas. Actually, for the longest time I just dismissed it as indigestion, but once it became a little stronger and more frequent (even when I wasn't having any digestion issues going on) I figured it must be the baby starting to make their presence known. It's low in my stomach near the bikini line. When I'm sitting down and resting, I can feel the slight wiggle of our little future ball of energy.

A few days ago, a co-worker of mine gave me a generous gift. She has three kids who have all out-grown their baby things, so as a gift from one experienced mom to a new one, she offered me a bunch of the baby things they wouldn't be needing anymore. This included: two car seats (one infant, one toddler), a high chair, a bouncy chair, a toilet trainer, a toddler bike, a nursing pillow, blankets, and a baby Einstein learning mat. I was blown away! Although, to be honest; once we got the baby stuff into our apartment, I stood there in a "OH MY GOD AM I READY FOR THIS?!?!" moment. But now that it's been here for a couple days, I'm more comfortable with it...for now. Anyway, there are two other co-workers at MCH that are also pregnant, but she wanted to give these things to me since I'm the only one there having my first child. I was so overwhelmed by her generosity I nearly cried. Today I'm baking her cookies as a way of saying thanks. I really feel so blessed being in such a wonderful community of experienced parents! With every step of this pregnancy I have not once felt alone.

Tomorrow will be our next checkup. Going to these doctor visits feels like we get to visit the baby. Even though they are with us all the time, their presence is so tiny we hardly get to hear from them much. But at the doctor's we get to see or hear them loud and clear. But soon enough we won't need the doctor to help us see and feel our baby. For now, my husband and I still talk to the baby and keep our hands waiting on my tummy for some tiny bump of movement.

Yesterday I considered canceling my blog, figuring that the gaps in time with each post and the overall lack of motivation and energy I've been feeling every day would be enough of an excuse to drop things. But with as fast as Pickle will be here and growing up, I figure I should at least try and capture some of these fleeting memories before they're already having children of their own.

My name is Jennifer and I am prosperous,
always, and in all ways.

Post 197...Are you still there?

This past week has been fairly tame as far as pregnancy symptoms go. So much in fact that it has me worrying if they're doing okay. I guess I figured my symptoms would be ramping up until I made it to the second trimester when it's suppose to simmer down. But it seems like everything has calmed down a lot already. I feel some queasiness every now and then and occasionally some heartburn, but otherwise not much else. I know it's TMI but even my movements (yup, I'm talking about my poop. Told ya...TMI) have been easier. Of course, part of that is because of the meds they put me on for my bladder infection. An unfortunate side affect of the meds was major loose poops. Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway, maybe I've just been so distracted that my symptoms haven't stood out that much to me. It was a hellacious week at work where they basically had me running laps around the place!

I'm still falling asleep super early and I swear my boobs are exploding in size! Yesterday I couldn't even fit in one of my cute t-shirts because my boobs were too mashed in it. I know I'm still getting plenty of symptoms to tell me that I'm still growing a baby, but I'm a first class professional worrier....it's what I do. If worrying was a job, I'd be CEO by now! What is getting to me, I suppose, is the announcement to all our family and friends. Letting everyone know opens up the possibility of everyone knowing if we were to miscarry. I don't know why that bothers me. You would think I would want the support if that were the case but, in some ways, I'd feel like I let everyone down. Not to mention, it would be the never ending subject. Every time I'd be around friends it would be nothing but sensitive conversations and sympathy which I can only take so much of. I just want so badly for Pickle to be okay and to carry out full term happy and healthy. At least I have another check up with the doctor in just a few weeks. If all goes well, I'll be in my second trimester by then!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby Pickle!...I know...clever right? Hey, cut me a break. I'm not allowed to have coffee anymore so don't expect me to be witty this early in the morning! lol

Post 196...Announcement

Saturday, March 6th was the day of my birthday party. We had been thinking about the day for weeks before, and on the day of, our nerves were certainly getting the best of us! With all the excitement of the announcement, I hardly thought about my birthday even once. I did however get spoiled with my birthday gifts! I not only got the movie UP that I was wanting, but everyone pooled together to get me a new laptop! So I am now navigating through my computer at the speed of light! It is so much nicer! Plus it has a built in webcam so when I'm home with the baby, I'll be able to stream live videos of Pickle to my husband while he's at work! It's perfect!

Anyway, the time came for the cake. I grabbed the video camera and sat so I could catch our parents' reaction. They all sang happy birthday as my husband brought out the cake. He set it down in front of them and there was a sudden silence in the room as everyone gasped. "Are you trying to tell us something?!" "Are you seriously pregnant?!" The questions started popping out. "Yup...it's for real! We're pregnant!" Everyone erupted with squeals, jumping from their seats to come and hug us. The response was perfect! Everyone was so happy and excited, congratulating us as the news sunk in. We then brought out the pictures of the ultrasound and confessed that we had been planning the pregnancy for nearly a year now. They seemed truly surprised.

I am so glad that everyone is so happy about it and so supportive. It feels so much better to have it out in the open now (although I still have to wait until the end of this month before telling my co-workers). In some ways, now that everyone knows, I'm a little more nervous again about being sure the baby will stick around for the full term. But I know in my heart...Pickle is here to stay!

As one last side note, I also wrote a new song for Pickle. Someday I'll have to post the lyrics. :)

Happy birthday....it's a Pickle!

Post 195...test results

On Friday I found out that all of my test results came back perfectly healthy except for a small bladder infection that I tested positive for. So the doctor started me on some meds to help fight the infection. Unfortunately, since I'm allergic to penicillin, I had to take an alternative medicine that had the potential of side effects. But other than that, everything else came back healthy.

In addition to that, I was worried that my stomach was already showing too early. But after doing some further reading in What to Expect When Expecting, apparently having weak lower abdominals could be part of the reason my stomach is already starting to pop. Since my growing uterus doesn't have to push through a lot of hard muscles, it's possible that's why I already have a bit of a bump. It's also probably in combination with bloating that is causing my clothes to already feel a little snug. It doesn't help though that, at work, my boss was already saying she could see my stomach getting bigger. It shouldn't be that noticeable already! So to help myself feel a little better, I got a new flowy dress for my birthday so that my stomach would be less visible.

Pop goes the preggo!

Day 194...A change in plans

Honestly, it's been so long since I've done a blog that I can't really remember what happened two weeks back. As I've been getting more and more tired with the pregnancy and the other symptoms have been taking their toll on me, I don't think I'm going to continue trying to blog for every day. I haven't been so great at keeping up the blogs daily as it is and find myself having to make up for lost time. So rather than try to ramble on for blog after blog, I'm going to only blog when I either learn new things or have bigger things happening to me and Pickle.

So to start, on Monday March 1st, my husband and I went for our first appointment with the Ob-gyn. I had to answer a series of questions about family medical history followed by urine and blood samples I had to give for further testing. But after all was said and done, the most amazing part came...the ultrasound! For just a few minutes, we got to see Pickle for the first time! It was the most powerful, breath-taking moment! There was Pickle wiggling around on the screen. We wanted to watch the baby longer, but the moment quickly ended. The doctor took a few pictures for us to take home and we set our next few appointments. I really liked my Ob-gyn and the staff there was very helpful. But all the way home, the only thing I could do was stare at the pictures of Pickle in disbelief that that beautiful little life was inside me. My husband and I were besides ourselves. Seeing our baby for the first time was one of the most life changing moments ever!



Pictures of Pickle...it's a Kodak moment.

Day 193...Emotional wreck

Today I was an emotional wreck! I stared off the morning feeling randy. Then I started to cry, sobbing to my husband about how much I miss him as he's been working overtime lately. Then I got cranky and fussy as I got ready for work. I cried again in the car before going into work. And when I was finally at work, I was fine. Other than nausea every now and then, I hardly felt any symptoms. I don't know what it is about being at work, but keeping busy at work has distracted me enough from feeling much of my pregnancy symptoms. But as soon as I get home, the nausea and sleepiness catches up to me. At least I didn't vomit today.


Pickle Pregnancy symptoms- occasional nausea, some dizziness, extremely emotional, greasy skin.

Day 192...Makeup day 6

Sunday- I started the morning vomiting as soon as I got up. I then spent the whole day feeling extremely nauseous. We did some much needed cleaning of the house and then went to help my brother-in-law move into his new townhouse. It helped to be distracted by helping him move, but it also was tricky trying to mask my nausea and occasional dizziness.

Pickle Pregnancy symptoms- vomiting, all day hardcore nausea, dizziness, extreme sleepy, greasy skin.

Day 191...Makeup day 5

Saturday- We ran errands all day, and met up with my parents to shop at a big market full of organic foods. We got all our grocery shopping done for the day as I fought extreme nausea all day long, and then spent the evening watching shows as I dozed off on the couch yet again.

Pickle Pregnancy symptoms- all day hardcore nausea, dizziness, extreme sleepy, greasy skin.

Day 190...Makeup day 4

Friday- My lead was back again, and class was pretty normal. And although it was a Friday night, I ended up falling asleep abnormally early as my husband spent the evening playing video games. It seemed that every evening home, my nausea would kick up a notch too when I was not chasing around 20 kids in the classroom.

Pickle Pregnancy symptoms- nausea, peeing often, dizziness, extreme sleepiness, greasy skin, craving frozen yogurt.

Day 189...Makeup day 3

Thursday-My lead was out again due to her daughter still feeling sick. I had a different sub that day and she was amazing! The day was easy going and very mellow. The class was well behaved, and the sunshine kept a smile on my face. With the sub being so helpful and relaxed, I think the whole class felt her calm presence.

Pickle Pregnancy symptoms- some nausea on and off, peeing often, dizziness, sleepy, more greasy skin.

Day 188...Makeup day 2

Wednesday- My lead was back so things were fairly normal. Luckily, one of our "trouble" kids was out all week so the class was a lot more calm. It was supposed to be our meeting day, but my lead totally spaced it, so I showed up to work early for no reason. It felt like all day I was getting things dumped on me. Not a very fun day.

Pickle Pregnancy symptoms- nausea, peeing often, dizziness, sleepy, greasy skin!

Day 187...Makeup time

I am way behind with blogs, so I'm just going to do short updates of what happened each day.

Tuesday- My lead was out because her daughter was sick, so first day back from the brake, I had to welcome back the kids with a substitute. We also had a new kid starting that day whole only speaks Spanish, so that was a bit of a challenge. Plus we had a "Valentine circle" we had to do that day so the kids could pass out their Valentines.

Pickle Pregnancy symptoms- some mild cramping, bloating, peeing often, and a little queasiness.

Day 186...boo mondays!

Today was really boring! I had to work the closing shift and most of our staff was still out on Midwinter break, so we were running childcare only. I had only a small handful of kids and spent a good portion of the day working by myself.

I had some more nausea today but luckily work was distracting enough for it to be only annoying. The nausea passed about mid-day and only returned any time I started to feel hungry. The only other thing was that I was abnormally randy today! These hormones have made me cry, laugh ridiculously, feel extremely frustrated, depressed, and now absolutely randy! It's crazy! These hormones are going to be the death of me! And I feel sorry for my poor husband. He has no idea if I'm going to wake up feeling grumpy, frisky, or anything in between.

Baby dancing even after the baby Pickle has been conceived!

Day 185...Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's day and, rather then spending it romantically drinking wine and making love to each other, I'm feeling even more sick to my stomach than before! I've got 24/7 morning sickness, I'm exhausted (nothing new there), and I can't have any wine. We do, however, have sparkling cider and my husband is planning on making me a romantic dinner. He made sure it didn't have any seafood in it too. For the past couple weeks, I haven't been able to stomach the smell of seafood. Now it's too the point where, if I even walk past a sushi restaurant and see the raw seafood, I feel like I'm going to gag! Anyway, I have to change the subject cause even typing this makes me want to puke!

The plus side to all this nausea, I suppose, is that it's a surefire sign that Pickle's in there, growing away. I'm so anxious for our first Ob-GYN visit in just a couple weeks. It's going to be amazing to get that first ultrasound! I can hardly wait! And then, the weekend after that, we'll be able to announce to our family! Let's just hope I can stomach eating some of the cake for my birthday/announcement party!

Planning a party for Pickle!

Day 184...nausea

Oh boy! Let the nausea begin! All day long I felt so sick to my stomach, it was awful! I never threw up, but all day long I felt horribly queasy. But it was a weird mix of still having an appetite but wanting to throw up. Along with the nausea was still the random hormonal out spurts, and feeling exhausted all day! I was so tired, I actually ended up taking a nap in the evening time.

We also went to BabiesRus and bought me a pregnancy pillow. It's a giant pillow that hugs around you to keep you from rolling onto your back or stomach. It was very comfortable and I used it right away with my nap. It works perfectly with keeping me on my side. But it's kind of hard in other ways since I like to roll around a lot in my sleep.

To makes things feel even more real, we ordered our cake from Baskin&Robins for my birthday. The cake will be pink and blue and read "We're pregnant". It's going to be so exciting! On my birthday, everyone will start to sing happy birthday, and then we'll bring out the cake, and BAM! The announcement will be out! It'll be so fun! I can't wait! Just a few more weeks.

So there ya go, if it didn't feel real yet, the nausea, exhaustion, pregnancy pillow, and announcement cake made everything feel so sure.

Pickle is on the way!

Day 183...Same ol' story

Friday was basically like Thursday. Stuck at home sick, moody (although more chipper than Thursday. I was less depressed and more weepy), and tired. Fortunately, I had a little more energy then I had all week, so I did a little bit of Wii fit, and when my husband got home, we went for a nice walk to the store. At the store, I got some oil free makeup to help cover up all the breakouts I've been getting on my face (yay for looking like a teenager, and not in a good way). So with any luck, during all this time of hormonal ups and downs, and body changes, I can at least feel a little pretty in spite of my oily skin and growing size.

Eh, I'm too tired to be creative. I've run out of Pickle puns at the moment.

Day 182...MidWinter Break

Thursday was the start of my "break" (basically my four day weekend). But since I was still sick, I didn't do anything more special then I had already been doing: resting, drinking OJ, and trying desperately to get better.

Unfortunately, in addition to my cold, I was also extremely emotional that day. It seemed that my hormonal shifts had begun and my mood was swinging all over the place. My husband was sweet enough to talk with me all day online while he was at work while trying to coax me out of my negative spiral ("I'm going to gain too much weight! What if I miscarry?..."). But apparently pregnancy hormones are not to be reckoned with. It's like pre-week hormones on crack! There was no helping me it seemed. But when he came home, he held me and kissed me, and that alone made me feel better...even if my mood didn't reflect it.

Pickle's pushing me higher on the mood swing....fun times...T_T

Day 181...longest work day ever

I went into work on Wednesday, the first full day I worked all week, and it felt like the longest day ever! The workload was actually fairly easy, but my stuffed nose and throbbing sinuses made the day creep by at a pace that nearly drove me crazy!

There isn't much to say about the day other than I was still very much sick. It's been hard to feel pregnant through this nasty head cold. I don't really feel pregnant, I just feel sick. Although, during receiving at work, I had to run into the bathroom dry-heaving, nearly throwing up! It hit me suddenly and I thought for a second I was going to hurl, but I managed to keep it together. It takes a lot for me to throw up as it is, so I'm beginning to wonder if my morning sickness is just going to consist of nausea, hard gagging, and nothing more. Time will tell.

Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea...hey it's Pickle!

Day 180...still sick

I was at work for only an hour today before I went home sick yet again. My cold has yet to fully subside. I've got a nose full of grossness and an aching chest full of more grossness. It's a pain in the ass dealing with this cold while trying to deal with breast tenderness, fatigue, and nausea. I was feeling better a few hours ago, but now I'm starting to feel crappy again. Luckily mid-winter break is this week, so I have work tomorrow and then I'm off Thursday and Friday. I felt bad for taking time off on the week I'd have time off anyway, but I feel like hell and it worries me being sick while I'm pregnant. I want Pickle to be safe but it's hard to even feel pregnant when I'm being over powered by this cold.

I'm going to go use my neti pot one more time today and try to get some sleep. I'm still hoping to get over this horrible cold soon, but since I can't take anything, it feels like it's taking forever to get over it.

Another day of sickness while waiting for Pickle to grow stronger.

Day 179...1,000th Sick day

As it turns out, pregnant women are more susceptible to the common cold. Apparently the immune system goes down when trying to protect the baby. So after all that time getting sick and having my immune system challenged by my job, I'm now back to stage one. As the day went on and my sinuses felt more and more plugged, I ended up going home early again in hopes that I could beat this cold.

It worried me that I was sick so early in my pregnancy. I didn't want Pickle to be in jeopardy. But as it turns out, the baby should be totally fine. It helped me to know that pregnant women get sick all the time and with the common cold, Pickle should be just fine. As soon as I get over this cold though, I want to get the flu shots asap!

I went to the clinic that night to get checked out and to get some advice on how to handle illness when pregnant. Since I can't take most cold medicines, I have to deal with it all using home remedies. I got a neti pot to help clear out my sinuses, as recommended by my doctor. She also gave me a few tips on how to prevent illness. Aside from washing my hands all the time, I can use hand sanitizer on both my hands and even a little on my nose, I can change my clothes as soon as I get home from work, and to try and avoid sick people as best as possible. I'm going to try my best to keep myself from getting sick again.

Hang in there Pickle, I'm trying to get better asap.

Day 178...Pregnant = low immune system

On Sunday I woke up with a sore throat and plugged sinuses. I could not believe that I was sick again. It feels like I have been sick almost every week since I've started this job. In attempts to get over my cold before I started my work week, I spent nearly the entire day sleeping on the couch, drinking fluids, and gargling salt water. We still went to a friend's place for a Superbowl party, but as soon as we got back, I went straight to bed.

I had hoped that I could beat the cold sooner than later. The hard part is, since I'm pregnant, I can't take any medicine.

Craving ice cream, Pickles, and a decongestant.

Day 177...Party

On Saturday we went to a friend's birthday party. And though we weren't planning on telling anyone that we were pregnant, my friend (who knew we had been trying) asked me if there was any Pickle on board. I couldn't lie. She was so excited! Apparently it was obvious though because she said she caught my husband rubbing my tummy every now and then, plus I was the only one at the party ordering virgin drinks.

Later that night, at the after party, she made a joke about me needing to pee so much. Everyone asked what she was talking about. My friend looked at me full of excitement. I gave her the nod. She yelled, "She's going to have a baby!" All the girls squealed and hugged me. It was so much fun to announce it! But then I had to ask that no one posted anything online about it since my parents might come across the posts. So they all agreed to keep quiet until we've announced to our parents.

The downside to the night...I went to bed with a sore throat.

Partying with virgin drinks for my Pickle.

Day 175...nothing much

There isn't much to say about Thursday. Work was the usual, my pregnancy symptoms hadn't changed much, and nothing exciting really happened. My lead was telling me that the pregnancy would really start to get interesting come week 6-7, like everyone else has been saying online. It brings me some comfort since my symptoms so far have been fairly mild. It's still hard to think I'm even pregnant. Since I'm no bigger than I have been, it's too early to feel any movement from the baby, and I'm not feeling solid symptoms, it's hard to feel like I'm actually growing a baby inside me right now. Right now, I'm just playing the waiting game and hoping that everything goes well.

Oh, I forgot to mention that on Wednesday, we scheduled our first Obgyn appointment! It'll be on March 1st. I'll have all the beginning tests done as well as possibly the first ultrasound! I'm so excited! At the beginning of next month, we could be hearing Pickle's heartbeat for the first time!

Yea, if I could just have Pickle and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter.

Day 174...Personal day

On Wednesday, my husband and I really needed a day to ourselves. Although we had the weekend together, on Saturday (the day we got our positive test), my husband's family showed up with the big screen tv we bought him for Christmas. They spent the evening setting it up and then we went out for dinner. So although we had the majority of the weekend to ourselves, we still never had much time for things to really sink in. Plus, with some of the stress through the week (and some arguments I'd rather not recapture), we felt it was important for us to reconnect. So we stayed home that day and spent our time being close, talking about Pickle and how he/she will change our lives, and how excited we are about the whole thing. We imagined the summer when I'll be big and pregnant, we pictured the holidays with our newborn...it was fun.

It was a much needed day together that helped give us the strength to finish our week.

Honest... I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. Pickle came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

Day 173...Busty LaRue

It seemed like my boobs had exploded over night! One day they look normal, the next day I'm getting ready for my shower, I look in the mirror, and....holy crap! They were visibly bigger! They hadn't been too sore yet, but they certainly had swollen. Along with the continuing extreme exhaustion came random light-headed dizzy spells, occasional queasiness, constipation, and an odd cramping/pulling feeling in my lower stomach. From what the books say, I should be feeling more of the pregnancy symptoms come weeks 6 and 7. I'm only and 4-5 weeks.....this is going to get interesting.

Popping out for Pickle!

Day 172...Test results

I called the doctor to find out the results of the blood test. They congratulated me, saying I was about four weeks pregnant! To hear the doctor say it made it suddenly feel so real!

That day, I decided to inform my bosses and my lead. Since I was already running to the bathroom every 20 minutes, and knowing that morning sickness was on the horizon, I decided it was best they knew what was going on so that they didn't send me home thinking I was sick with the flu. They were so excited, giving me hugs, advice, and support. It was amazing to announce it to someone! We told my friend the day before over the phone, but it was different telling a group of people in person. After talking for awhile, we decided not to tell anyone else at work until the 3 month marker. That way we know for sure that the pregnancy has stuck and we could safely announce to everyone that I'm pregnant. Since we have such a large community of parents and staff members, the news will spread fast, so we're going to try our best to keep it undercover until then. But for now, my lead is more understanding of my bathroom trips and doesn't seem to mind them as much anymore. It's so nice to have the support!

May the Pickle be with you.

Day 171...Blood test

On Sunday we wanted to be absolutely sure the test came out positive, so we went to the doctor for a blood test. I was so nervous to be there, but the doctors and nurses kept looking at me as if they were laughing inside. I guess I was a classic case of a new mom in denial. After seeing that positive home pregnancy test, the weekend was just a blur of excitement, fear, and shock. Even though we have been planning this for nearly a year, it still is hard to believe. We conceived so easily!

Next set in doubt and fear. Am I ready for this? Am I going to be a good mom? Will the pregnancy sick? Will my body be able to bounce back after pregnancy or will I stay overweight? Will I eat too much too early and gain an unhealthy amount of weight that will jeopardize the pregnancy? We just found out we were going to have a baby and already I was worrying about them.

This is going to be one emotional ride!

Testing positive for Pickle.

Day 170...Holy crap we're pregnant!

I woke up early this morning, doing my usual pee dance. With each step to the bathroom, I could feel my heart beating faster. I had set out the pregnancy test the night before so it was ready to go (nothing worse then really needing to pee while struggling to open a stubborn wrapper for a test). There I sat awkwardly peeing on a stick, wondering what would happen. I guess I was still expecting to see a negative just because...well...I didn't want to get my hopes up that we'd be getting pregnant the first time around. I left the test on the counter and crawled back into bed. My husband was awake and held me as we nervously waited.

There it was...two lines. Two of the happiest little lines I have ever seen! It hit me....I'm going to be a mom! My husband and I are going to have a baby!!!! Holy crap!...we're pregnant!

Welcome Pickle!

Day 169...Run-on Sentence of a week...aka: no period

I had hopes that Friday would offer some relief to the madness that the week had been, but instead it decided to live up to the week's crappy reputation. My lead teacher called in a personal day (her daughter was sick) so we had a substitute lead which translated into a chaotic classroom. It also just so happened to be the day before this big open house event at work, so I had way more cleaning scheduled to do to prep the class for all the visiting parents. It was an extremely busy day, and our class was out of control. We had one child who was being so aggressive, in fact, that he had to be sent home. Oddly enough though, in spite of the dramatic day at the end of a dramatic week, I was able to handle the stress really well. I don't know if it was because it was Friday, but I found myself just shrugging things off. With the weekend just around the corner and the stressful week finally coming to an end, I was hardly fazed by the mess that was Friday.

I had a nice relaxing evening with my husband, where I ended up crashing on our big beanbag chair until my husband dragged me off to bed. Once I got to the bedroom however, I hardly slept. I kept tossing and turning thinking of the following morning. You see, my period still hadn't started so we went to the store after work and got some pregnancy tests. Since it's best to test with the first morning pee, we decided to test first thing Saturday morning. With all the anticipation, I found myself waking up nearly every hour, tossing and turning, wondering what the result would be.

What Pickles may come.

Day 168...Principal's office

Thursday was a roller coaster! I was supposed to start my period that day, plus work stress was all over the place! The majority of the day was going really well when, right at the end of the day I was called down to the boss's office for an unexpected meeting. I was scared shitless! To sum things up, they had called a meeting to talk to me and the co-worker who had worked late with me on Tuesday. The bosses wanted to talk about the reasoning behind our decision to combine classes. I was pissed! I had asked the other co-worker to separate the classes and combine later when we were within ratio, but she had pressured me into combining and now I was feeling the pain of the stupid choice I made to give in to her pressure. I didn't just want to throw her under the bus and get into a pointless "he said, she said" dispute, so I swallowed my words. At the end of the meeting, however, my boss pulled me aside and apologized to me. She admitted that they had the group meeting to avoid showing any obvious favoritism and that they were aware the decision to combine was pressured on me. They then showered me with praise, saying how much they really loved having me work there and they trusted my judgment. I was so relieved!

So although the trip to the office had thrown me for a loop and shot my stress through the roof, I was happy that it had a good ending. I got closure for the situation and I even got complimented by my bosses! All in all, it was a good day, but at that point I was more than ready for just an average day to come my way.

My period still hadn't shown up.

Great Pickle, don't get cocky!

Day 167...Rude awakening

On Wednesday I was woken up by my boss calling me, interrogating me as to why we combined our classes the night before when she specifically asked us not to. It wasn't exactly how I wanted to start my day.

The drama ensued with the kids in my class going crazy and the overall day being packed with stress. I can't honestly remember much else of what happened that day (I didn't care to really hang on to the memory of it all), but I remember not liking it.

When I came home that night, I was exhausted and praying for the weekend to hurry up and get there. And throughout all the work drama, I was still anxiously waiting to see if my period would show up.

You load sixteen tons, what do you get?
Another day older and deeper in debt.
Pickle don't you call me 'cause I can't go;
I owe my soul to the company store.

Day 166...Aftercare calamity

Tuesday was dramatic. Several of my co-workers went home sick so I was asked to stay and work late that night. It was epically stressful because the day had already been a disaster in my class, so being asked to stay later was not what I wanted to hear. The other problem was, that night, my co-worker convinced me to combine our classes (against the boss's instructions) and ended up getting us in trouble for it. Since I hadn't worked the closing shift before, I really didn't know what was the usual protocol so I went with it...big mistake. The bosses apparently found out and, little did we know, we were going to get reamed for it the next day.

I stress ate that night, downing a salmon burger, fries, and several cookies. I went to bed with a major stomach ache.

Pickled peer pressure.

Day 165...Monday madness

Monday was the start of a very long and stressful week. Work was busy and by the time I got home, I was practically falling asleep by 8pm. I had tried taking a pregnancy test Sunday night since I was showing possible signs of pregnancy (higher amounts of cervical mucus, feeling extremely tired, slightly nauseous, and moody), but the test came out negative. I wasn't too surprised since it was only ten days past my estimated ovulation time and I hadn't missed my period yet (due that coming Thursday), so we decided we'd hold off on buying any more pregnancy tests until I was officially late for my period.

Other than that, it was just playing the waiting game. One of my least favorite games in life.

O Pickle where art thou?

Day 164...50/50

After reading the responses from all the other ladies at WTE, I can't say that I'm very excited about this next week. They seemed to just say that what I've been feeling (the fatigue, the cramps, the sore nipples, and mood swings) could all just be signs of AF coming. I guess it just finally hit me that it really is a strong possibility that I could not be pregnant. With all the things I've been feeling, I started to seriously think I might be pregnant. But the odds of getting pregnant with the first try are slim. Plus, my body has psyched me out before into thinking it was pregnant so I can't exactly trust it.

Now I'm trying to switch my thinking, convincing myself that it's more likely that I'll get my period than see a positive pregnancy test. I have seen so many negative tests, it's hard for me to even imagine getting a positive one. As much as my body is feeling different right now, it could very well be because I'm adjusting to being off my birth control. I just wish I felt some special connection, some sort of sure feeling. There are so many women I read about that have premonitions and gut feelings that they are pregnant. But I don't have anything. All my life I have had pride in being able to have those strong gut feelings to go off of when big changes in my life happen. I can't help but feel sad that I don't have that. Maybe I don't have that feeling because I'm not pregnant. Or maybe I am but I just don't have that connection with my baby. Either way, it makes me sad.

My husband is trying to convince me that I should see it as a 50/50 chance that I could be pregnant or not. Most statistics say that it's more like a 25% chance of pregnancy since it's so hard to catch that egg at the right time. But my husband still says that I should hang on to hope. He says that I shouldn't focus on them being "symptoms" but just know that it's a possibility. If we're not pregnant yet, we can always try again next month.

I'm trying to see things 50/50 but it's not easy. I want so badly to be the exception and be pregnant on our first try. But again I'm stuck just waiting it out. I'll be able to test by this Friday if I haven't started yet.

Is the Pickle half full or half empty?

Day 163...not much help

Yesterday, I decided to take my lingering questions to the WTE website to see if anyone had any insight. I was hoping for more sound answers, but as I figured, no one could really give me a definite "yes, that sounds like you're pregnant" kind of answer. Here's what was said:

I don't want to get my hopes up so soon but I've been experiencing some symptoms that are hard to determine if they are just pre-week symptoms or pregnancy symptoms. Damn them for being so similar! lol. Anyway, for the past two weeks I have been absolutely exhausted! I'm practically falling asleep on my lunch breaks at work! Not to mention is seems like I've been falling asleep earlier and earlier each night. Also, I've been feeling a bit bloated the past couple weeks too. The other odd thing is, for the last few days, my nipples have become incredibly sensitive! If my husband so much as even brushes over them, they hurt! I keep getting this dull ache in my breasts that comes and goes along with the random occasional mild cramping that feel similar to menstrual cramping. The hard thing is, idk if these are pregger symptoms or if my body is just adjusting to being off of birth control. I've been off since the end of November, but idk if maybe my cycle is adjusting to the hormonal flux of being off the pill. Oh, also, I've been abnormally emotional. Last night I had a totally embarrassing display of hormonal freak out in front of my husband over some cookies I baked that ended up falling apart. I nearly had a meltdown over a stupid cookie. Thank God my husband is so understanding! I'm still embarrassed by it!
Atm I'm still on my pre-week. I should see AF until Thursday (Jan 28th). I'm hoping she doesn't come, but I really don't know what to expect at this point.
Does anyone have any answers or advice? How do I keep myself from psyching myself into false symptoms? I want to test so badly but I know it's way to early to test at this point.
Sorry for the novel and wishing BFPs for everyone! :)

-I hate to tell you this, there's no way to keep yourself from psyching out. I've been off BC for about a year, and those symptoms kept getting worse the longer I was off them, but everyone is different. Just remember to stay calm, breath. :) I think we've all been there. I hope you do get your BFP! NO AF! :) Thank goodness for understanding hubbies. LOL.
If you must test, I'd say wait until you're about 10 dpo (if you know when you O'd) that's the earliest I've really seen most people post BFP's. But remember it could take longer, so you're not out until she shows up!

-I went off the pill in July and got myself psyched out nearly every single month since. Your PMS symptoms are probably heightened since going off the pill, so while it's impossible to keep yourself from imagining that you're pregnant, try not to get your hopes up. The first few months I was completely devastated when AF showed up. I still get upset, of course, but I know now that my PMS symptoms imitate the early signs of pregnancy, including mild nausea.
This month I've begun taking Femaprin - it's got vitex, which evens out hormonal changes, and B-6, which moderates PMS symptoms. It's supposed to take a couple months to be fully effective, but I'm having a much more manageable 2WW (emotionally speaking) this time, so maybe that's the reason.

-Could be, but I got off the pill in Oct. 08 and had weird cycles that imitated pregnancy for the next year. Nearly every cycle included spotting for days that I never had before, some nausea, fatigue, extreme hunger some days, etc. I thought I was pregnant every month, and I know how depressing it is when af comes every month. The extreme symptoms ceased around November. Funnily enough, I finally got my bfp this month and did not obsess at all in the 2WW since the only symptom I felt at first was extreme fatigue, and that wasn't until 10 dpo. Now I have all the classic symptoms, but I find it odd that the one month I started out with few symptoms, af didn't come. Test after 10 dpo and let us know how it turns out. GL!

-Good luck!
I just got a bfp this week, so I feel somewhat qualified to comment. I'd say that the reality is that those *could* easily be pg symptoms; alternatively they could just as easily be pms symptoms. I know, I know: you wanted a clearer answer. But it's just impossible to tell. During this bfp cycle I *did* have a lot of fatigue (just like you describe)--but keep in mind that it IS January, and Jan. is a sleepy month. Plenty of ladies on here have been complaining of fatigue and ended up with bfns. The nipple thing is a good symptom...but I don't have it (still), and I'm pg.
I *did* feel I had pg symptoms this month before I tested. But honestly I had much stronger pg symptoms in August...and that was a bfn month.
I'm so sorry it's not clearer! I know it's a pain. Just hang in there.
FX!

Pickle or period?.....

Day 162...that's the way the cookie crumbles

Friday was not the relieving end of the week I expected it to be. Here I was thinking it would be an easy day to welcome in the weekend, but I was horribly wrong! The morning half was absolutely awful! The kids were running around hurting each other, hurting themselves, breaking works, spilling things....it was maddening! As a result, I had to spend my entire lunch break writing up mountains of injury/incident reports for a good handful of the kids in our class.

By the end of the day, 12 injury/incident reports later, I was finally free! To relax and have some fun, I suggested my husband and I bake some chocolate chip cookies and watch some shows. But the cookies started to crumble and fall apart when I tried to get the off the pan. In all my frustration, I had a total freak out and ended up having a total meltdown. I mean full on crying and slamming stuff around. Luckily my husband was able to bring me back down to earth and help me get over myself. We ended up enjoying our cookie crumbles and cuddling for the evening.

I sure hope I don't have a ton of hormonal freak outs like that when I'm pregnant. God help my poor husband!

That's the way the Pickle crumbles!

Day 161...Super moms

I don't know how those super moms do it! How do they work a full day and then come home, take care of their kids, and clean the house?! On Thursday (after going back to my longer hours this week) I came home and cleaned the whole house. We had been slacking a little lately since I've been working later, but the piles of dishes were starting to get to us. So as soon as I got home, I set to work. It took me nearly two hours to get everything caught up and cleaned, and then I still had dinner to make! By the time I was finally sitting down for the evening, I was exhausted! I'm glad that I'll be a stay at home mom for that first year because I don't think I could keep up with everything while having a newborn around. But once I go back to work...I have no idea how I'm going to do it!

Pickle's Ritalin makes me work faster!...except not because that's totally messed up!

Day 160...The apple and the tree

At work, I have been observing parents and the bad traits they pass on to their kids. Everything from crippling social behaviors to attitude issues. Honestly it has me spooked. After seeing so many kids act so horrendously, I pray to God that Pickle will never act that way. For example; today I had a kid freak out at me. Just because I asked her to go into the classroom, she started to cry and scream as she kicked, bit, and hit me! I was shocked! She was practically frothing at the mouth in her tantrum! How can parents ever let their kids behave like that?! If I knew my kid was hitting others, especially a teacher, while biting and kicking all because of a simple request....I would be down right embarrassed! I would discipline them so fast! I just can't imagine how these kids get to a point where they are so out of control. I mean, there are even kids who will cry obsessively every day for the same reason and never adapt or learn. It's horrible! I seriously hope that my kid will never be that way.

I don't really have much of a reason to believe that our kids will ever turn out that way. My husband and I are good people, well balanced with no crippling social awkwardness, and we make a great loving team. I guess I just get worried when I see so many out of control kids at work. That's one of the down sides to working childcare when planning a pregnancy I suppose.

Pickle paranoia.

Day 159...waiting

It's been a little hard waiting to take a pregnancy test, but so far I've been able to keep my anticipation in check. I haven't allowed myself to over react to any possible "symptoms" I've been feeling. I just have a quiet hope. It is odd how I have been feeling incredibly tired lately (I can hardly keep my eyes open!), but that could be a result of getting over my recent cold.

For now, I'm just waiting until the end of the month. If I don't start my week, then I will take a test on either the 29th or 30th this month.

"Spongebob looser pants! Still no pickles!"

Day 158...Infertility Humor

Yesterday's blog got me a couple responses on WTE but not as much as I would like. Mostly it was just "yup, that could be signs of pregnancy" but nothing concrete. But I guess I kinda knew that would happen. I'm just going to have to wait it out. I do keep getting this odd feeling in my lower stomach though that has me wondering. It's hard to describe other than, when I lay on my stomach it feels almost full down there. Not stomach full, but kinda like there is a rock in my lower stomach when I lay on it. It isn't very comfortable so I've been lying more on my side or back lately. I don't know what it's all about but again, I'm just gonna have to play the waiting game.

Another thing I learned today....apparently I was taking my ovulating tests at the wrong time of day. I thought I had to take them with the first morning pee like a pregnancy test. Turns out, I should've been taking them in the afternoon. As I read, "the best time to test is 2 p.m., or as close as possible. Anytime between noon and 8 p.m. is fine, first morning urine is not recommended. The reason for this is that most women experience a surge in the morning, but it can take 4 hours for it to show up in your urine."--www.fertilityplus.org. So there ya go! That's probably why my tests kept turning out negative when I took them last week. If I'm not pregnant this month, I now know better for next month.

Anyway, here are some funny jokes I found online that I thought were worth sharing:

-Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body. The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?""The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"

-Why do gypsies have trouble getting pregnant?They have crystal balls.

-Why do male basketball players have trouble getting their spouses pregnant?All they do is dribble.

-Labor pains
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. The husband was a little worried about this, but wanted to help out so he agreed.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, telling the husband that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he had experienced ever before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine. The doctor looked a little bewildered and adjusted the machine to give the father 20 percent of the pain. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and heart rate and all seemed perfect. They decided to transfer 50 percent of the pain to the father.
The husband continued doing well and started making wisecracks about how women complain so much about labor and it really wasn't a big deal. In fact, he was willing to take all the pain! The doctor turned the switch to 100 percent. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and she and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their doorstep!

Knock knock
-who's there?
Pickle
-Pickle who?
Baby Pickle!

Day 157...Forum help

Since I'm under house arrest for being sick (my husband is forcing me to stop cleaning the house and actually rest and take care of myself. He's too good to me!), I figured I would take to the what to expect forums for a little advice. Here is the question that I posed:

I am so confused with what is going on with my body! Here's a little history: I've been off the bcp since the end of November. I got my period in December about a week later than usual but it came non the less. My DH and I have since been ttc with the turn of the new year, doing the ol' BD nearly every day.
So now for the weird stuff. All last week I started experiencing occasional mild cramping in my lower stomach. But then my stomach got really bloated for about a week, looking as if I was retaining water like I do on my pre-week. The bloating went away finally a few days ago (at least, the bloating isn't as bad), but I have also been drop dead tired all week! At work, I'm practically falling asleep during my lunch break! Also, (warning, TMI moment) I've been a bit constipated this last week which isn't too uncommon for my pre-week (which, I think it is if I'm going off of my new later schedule after coming off of bcp). So I don't know if this is all just weird signs of ovulating and then pre-week symptoms, or if it's something else. I'd love to think they are pregnancy symptoms but it seems like it would be too early to experience that, right? Plus I rarely ever hear of women conceiving right after coming off of bcp (anyone out there know anyone who has?), but I guess I still have hopes.
Of course, all of this has been thrown off now because I caught a nasty cold the other day, so now it's near impossible to read any signs from my body because I'm even more tired and foggy headed from my damn cold! Oi!
Has anyone ever heard of these symptoms and what they could be? Ovulation? Up coming menstruation? Pregnancy?
Thanks and baby dust to all!

Hopefully I will get some good advice. I will keep you posted on what they respond with.

Posting for Pickle.

Day 156...Fever

Again, there isn't much to say about yesterday. We went to my parent's place for my dad's birthday dinner. The bad part was, shortly after we showed up at my parent's place, I spiked a fever of 101 degrees. Granted, it was pretty warm in their house too, but I felt quite miserable. As the day went on, I felt worse and worse. I couldn't even play with my little nephew because I didn't want to get him sick. But it got me to thinking, how on earth do mothers take care of their kids while their sick?! How dangerous is it for babies? Would I have to quarantine myself to my room and have my husband take care of the baby? I sure hope I stop getting sick by the time I'm having Pickle.

Rain rain go away,
so Pickle can come another day

Day 155...Never ending sickness

After standing out in the cold rain, I woke up the next morning feeling absolutely miserable. Once again I am sick! I called my boss and said that I would be okay with coming into work for half the day but that I wouldn't be able to stay for a full day. She agreed. So by 1pm I went home and crawled under a pile of blankets and tried my best to rest.

As the day went on, I started to feel worse. But luckily my husband was very sweet to take care of me. There isn't much else to say except that I can't believe I am sick once again. I was doing so well. I honestly believe, if I wasn't ditched out in the rain, I wouldn't have gotten sick. Hopefully this will be one of the last times I'll be sick in a long time. Especially if I'm pregnant, I really should be extra careful not to get sick.

I am absolutely done with being sick! I need a prescription Pickle.

Day 154...Cry baby

I learned today just how annoying, infectious, and maddening crying children can be! Today, at the end of the day during what should have been my cleaning time for my classroom, I had to help sub out on the playground. For over an hour I had to stand in the cold pouring rain, surrounded by crying children. I have no idea why all the crying children kept flocking towards me but, in the end, they were all somehow holding my hands while they just stood there crying non stop! It started with me finding one crying child (who missed her mom), so I tried to comfort her. She just wanted to hold my hand and walk with me. But then another cold and home-sick kid found me, followed by another! Before I knew it, I had three kids holding my hands, crying for their moms and complaining that it was too wet and cold to be outside. As if I hadn't already noticed! If it was up to me, I wouldn't be putting kids out in the cold rain for hours at the end of the day because clearly they don't handle it well!

So there I stood for over an hour, magnetizing every crying child, rain dripping down my hat and face, waiting for someone to come a relieve me from the playground. I was only suppose to be out there for a half an hour, but once I got out there, I was ditched! There was only me and one other teacher, so if I left it would put the child to teacher ratio out of balance. I was stuck! Everyone who was normally out there I guess decided it would be okay to totally dump their crying children on me and go back inside to get their cleaning done! By the time they came back, I literally had four minutes to clean my room before I had to clock out! It was ridiculous! To make matters worse, a parent teacher conference is being held in my class tonight and our classroom is a mess! The one night we're hosting a meeting with all the parents and I didn't clean the room!

The screaming, crying children absolutely drained me emotionally and the cold rain has chilled me to the bone (and of course now my throat is starting to hurt!) so I am completely done with today! I am pissed with everyone ditching me on the playground, and I am tired and achy from a busy day. I am done!

Sitting in an Pickle garden waiting for the sun
If the sun don't come
You get a tan from standing in the Pickle rain.

Day 153...Cha-Ching!

My boss gave me good news today. Since enrollment is up, and the need for evening assistance has gone up, they extended my hours back to what they originally were! I will now be getting off a little later, but I'll be pulling in some extra cash for Pickle! Now with my husband's recent raise at work and my extended hours, we will surely have little trouble saving up for Pickle. After all our discussions and budgeting for the pregnancy and hospital/doctors bills, it's comforting to know we'll be pulling in a little more to balance things out later on.

Also, after looking over my medical coverage and expenses, I'm seriously considering working up until either I give birth or at least until my delivery month. This way the delivery could be covered by my medical at work and we could have a little more cash on deck before I left work for a year. It all depends on how I handle the pregnancy of course, but for the moment it sounds like the most logistical plan.

She works hard for the Pickle so you better treat her right.

Day 152...Back breaking

To couple with my bloaty feeling I've been having lately, I woke up with killer back pains! After another night of baby dancing the previous night, I propped my hips up with a pillow (as I have been doing) and fell asleep. Well I must have slept on the pillow horribly wrong because when I got up the next morning, my back was shooting pains through my body any time I tried to stand upright. It also didn't help that, at work, I had to help escort a child who was thrashing in an all out tantrum into the classroom, forcing me to half carry her into the room. Let me tell you, carrying a thrashing child when your back is locking up in the middle....not easy work!

Fortunately my husband was so sweet to rub my back that night before bed. And, needless to say, I chose not to prop my hips up with a pillow that night. My husband's swimmers would just have to be Olympic champions without gravity's help.

Pickle, the Olympic gold medalist.

Day 151...feeling down

I don't have a lot to say at the moment. All day I have been dealing with a headache which has increased five times in the last hour. Also, I'm feeling a bit blue because, I measured my stomach today to see how my progress has been on my weight loss and I was shocked to see I've gone up nearly an inch! I had just lost two inches this last month and I haven't changed my eating habits or anything, so why I suddenly gained size (but not weight on the scale) I have no idea! But it's frustrating! I thought I was doing so well! But here I'm bigger and dealing with headaches nearly every day! WTF?!

Growing without a Pickle in my tummy yet...not what I wanted to do!

Day 150...The dreaded budget

We finally began our budgeting and research into our medical plan to see just how much it'll cost us to have a baby. Mind you, we're only looking at the medical cost of the pregnancy and delivery right now. Once we actually have the baby here, I have no doubt that we'll be able to budget everything just fine. But the cost of medical has thus far eluded me. I'm not very familiar with medical and how it works, so today we decided to research it as best we could.

After mulling over my medical plan, calling my parents for some advice, and posting some questions on whattoexpect.com we have learned the basics of how the medical will work. The funny part was my parents said not to worry too much about the cost of medical because, as they said, chances are I won't have to use my medical too much so it won't cost me that much. Little do they know that I'll be visiting the doctor much more than I usually do, so I'll be putting that medical to full use.

Here's how some people responded to my post on the forums:

-You might consider staying at your job the extra month to keep your benefits for the birth. The medical costs for the first year of the baby's life are going to be big enough, if you can save thousands of dollars by working an extra month, do it.

-first of all you can't afford one no one can ever afford one you just make it work. the medical stuff you can do and personal medical leave instead of quiting that is what i did with my first and then after your medical leave is up you can quit and that way you are covered by your insurance for at least two months. or you can apply for Medicaid which also covers medical bills then it depends on your doctor. you should have at least 13 visits on a perfect pregnancy. but everyone is different and every doctor is different some bill you for every visit and some wait until you have the baby and some have a flat rate. we thought we had it all planned out with our first as well i was working and my husband was working so that was double the income and i wasn't going to quit until 8 months as well. but we also had double the insurance i was placed on bedrest at 3 months so took the personal medical leave which meant i kept my benefits until my time ran up and if i could come back to work i kept my job as well. well i wasn't able to go back to work i was on bedrest until i gave birth. we still had my husband insurance but then he lost his job a month before she was born so we had no insurance and so we had to apply for medicaid which covered the birth of my baby plus her first year of life plus 6 months for me. so here we were without jobs and new baby. we went on WIC and FoodStamps. i went on birth control and got pregnant with my second daughter with a 3 month old and no income. a week after we found out i was pregnant my husband was offered a job.
sorry this is so long but i understand i have been there several times and i had no perfect pregnancy. my first was $24,000 for many stays in the hospital and then my second was $6,000 with a c-section if you have a perfect pregnancy it should only cost about $4,000 and if you have a perfect pregnancy you are usually only in the hospital a day feel free to ask me any questions.

I'm glad that we did the research. As difficult as it was and as frustrating as it was, we at least found out that we will be able to make things work. Our monthly budget will work out perfectly, and we will be able to make the medical bills work (somehow). Most of our plans will just have to play out at this point, but at least we have some foundation for our planning.

Economic decline and it's increased affect on the price of Pickles...oi!

Day 149...Bulk baby

It seems our weekends have returned to their usual busy productive times. Although we had a wonderful morning of sleeping in and browsing the Internet, we set out to do our big monthly grocery trip. I've been wanting to get back to buying in bulk and making more foods from scratch. In the summer when I was unemployed, I actually had the time to pre-make a ton of meals and save us a lot of money each month. Though I don't have as much time these days now that I work full time, I want to try and make more food and buy from bulk to still save us some money. The more we can save, the more we have for Pickle.

This last week I've been reading my tightwad gazette book and getting great ideas for how to be more frugal. Since I'll be off from work for a year with Pickle, the more I can be frugal the better. I'm also looking forward to my Baby Bargains book that I got. If it's anything like the Bridal Bargains book that the author wrote years ago, then it'll be amazing. That book saved us so much on our wedding. I can't wait to see how much it'll save us for our baby.

Later this weekend we'll be doing the budget and seeing just how much the pregnancy will cost us. I'm really anxious and hesitant to look at the budget but I know it must be done. Anything to help prepare for Pickle.

One loaf of bread, two dollars.
A box of cereal, four dollars.
A baby Pickle....priceless.

Day 148...Nothing new

There isn't really much for me to say today. We're still trying daily but until we get a positive, there isn't much exciting news for me to report at the moment. I haven't had a whole lot of time to read this week since I've been back at work so I don't have any new information to share. But this weekend, I'll hopefully get the chance to plow through a few chapters in my new book (What to expect when you're expecting) and blog something more useful over the next few days.

So that's about it. Exciting, I know. I lead an exciting life. Childcare teacher by day, snoring wife by night. At any rate, I'm excited it's the later half of Friday because now my weekend can officially start. Once my husband gets home it'll be movies, games, and good times. Oh, and more baby dancing of course! That makes everything 100x more fun. ;)

League of extraordinary Pickles.

Day 147...Here Spot!

I forgot to mention that, a couple days ago I had some pink spotting the morning I work up after a night of rigorous baby dancing. I doubt it's implantation spotting since it's way to early for me to be ovulating. More than likely it was just some remainders of my cycle finishing up. But still the thought crossed my mind. But I want to try my best not to read into anything too much and psyche my body into giving false signs. I still wish I could ask my mom about her pregnancy, what early signs she had that she was pregnant, how her first trimester went, and so on. But then again, since she wasn't exactly planning a pregnancy, I'm not sure if she actually recognized any signs of pregnancy or just figured her body was feeling off. I guess it doesn't make much of a difference though since each pregnancy is unique and each person handles it differently.

I know I'm not likely pregnant yet, but the other night after we tried yet again, I laid there in bed singing to my tummy. It was an old Elton John song called "Blessed." It seemed like a fitting song for the moment. Once I am for sure pregnant, I'm going to sing to my tummy every day.

Anyway, I don't have much more to say today except that, thank God tomorrow is Friday. The week went by fast but that doesn't stop me from still counting down the minutes until the weekend. I'm looking forward to getting some more reading in. At the moment, I can't bring my book to work without raising suspicion. I mean, carting around a book titled What to expect when you're expecting doesn't exactly leave much else to the imagination. So to avoid any awkward conversations (especially to my boss! "No, I'm not planning on getting pregnant and leaving for a year! I don't know what you're talking about!..../runs for the hills), I just don't bother bringing it to work. It'll be nice to get a good chunk of reading in this weekend now that I'll actually have time to be home.

Hey you, you're a Pickle in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

Day 146...Ovulating?

I must admit, I'm really loving this whole "trying" thing every night. Guaranteed "baby dancing" (as they call it in the What to Expect books) every day has been really fun! Each night we've come up with creative ways to get ourselves into the mood, which honestly isn't that hard.

Last night, I decided to take my first ovulation test. I figured it was kinda early but I wanted to give it a test run anyway so I can test more realistically later this month. Of course, it came out negative (though that didn't stop us from still trying), but it was still good to get a little familiar with how the test reads out. It's pretty easy. One line means "not ovulating" and two lines means "ovulating within the next 24-36 hours. Luckily I still have about 6 or 7 more tests left, so I'll have plenty of chances to try and figure out my ovulating time.

Other than that, I'm still taking my vitamins, researching (always), and trying trying trying! Here's to hoping that, by some miracle, we get pregnant our first month trying!

Welcome Pickle to the ovulation nation!

Day 145...It's a sign

It kinda felt like there were signs everywhere today telling me, "now is the time to have a baby." For starters, after all my stressing about money last night, I got my paycheck today. But it wasn't at all what I was expecting. It was much more! Like nearly $500 more than I was expecting! After being off work for over a week, I was expecting a tiny paycheck (and had budgeted accordingly). But much to my surprise, my work paid for the entire break! Apparently, since they were the ones choosing to close down for that time, they didn't think it was fair we didn't get paid for it, so they gave us full pay! I was blown away! Here I was worried about money and lots came my way!

Then, as I was checking my emails, I got an email from www.whattoexpect.com and it was an article titled "What babies really cost." I never even posted a question about it, but suddenly I was being emailed about the very subject my husband and I had talked about the night before!

Next, when my husband and I walked down to the store, we walked past the bakery (mind you, the same one we walk past nearly daily, and has never had this display before) they had a cake in the window decorated with a stork and baby shoes that read "congratulations! It's a boy!" A cake announcing a pregnancy....when we have been planning to announce our pregnancy by surprising everyone with a cake that says "we're pregnant".....okay universe! I hear you already!

Maybe I'm looking for signs, but either way it's all positive. We're still trying nightly, I'm still watching my weight and eating healthy, I'm exercising daily (going on walks mostly), and I'm still taking my prenatal vitamins (which are making my nails grow like crazy!). Here's to hoping all our work we're putting into this results in a positive pregnancy test soon.

I'm reading the signs and they're saying "Pickle!"

Day 144...Back to work blues

Yesterday was the first day back after the holiday break. It was really hard leaving home and even more so, leaving my husband for the day. I had had such an amazing time with my husband over the break, being away from him for the majority of the day made me miss him terribly. Luckily work went rather well. There isn't much to say about it except that it was a decent first day back.

The trouble I actually had was letting go of work after I got off. All week long I had no problem completely forgetting about work and just enjoying the moments with my husband. But once I went back, work followed me home. It's weird how, even though I wasn't stressed about work, it still sat on my shoulders. It came to the point where I could hardly sleep well without dwelling on it. I immediately returned to my old clock-watching routine and stressing ("Crap! It's 4am...only 3 more hours to sleep!...Crap! It's 5am...only 2 more hours to sleep!..." and so on).

I'm not sure exactly how I'm suppose to let it all go at the end of my day but I'll work on it. At least when I'm home with Pickle I'll be able to enjoy home life and my new baby 24/7. We also tried again last night. We agreed to try every night from now until my pre-week. In addition to that, we also walked to the Borders book store and bought the "What to expect when you're expecting" book. We figured, since we bumped up our trying to conceive time, we should get a head start on what to expect once we do get that positive test. From just thumbing through it, I can already tell it's going to be extremely helpful.

Unfortunately, I also had a big boo-hoo last night over the stress of finances. I had a moment of "OMG! How are we going to afford a baby?!" But luckily my husband helped settle me down. We both agreed that sometime this week, we will go over the budget thoroughly and plan accordingly. This will include a deep look at my medical coverage, researching the cost of delivery, the cost of regular doctor's check ups, and the cost of post check ups for me and the baby. We already have a nice chunk of savings started, but I will feel so much better once we have a solid plan with all the figures accounted for. I want to be absolutely sure we are ready for Pickle in all areas of our life.

Carrying the weight of 1000 pickles on my shoulders.

Day 143...Oddly calm

I was woken up this morning by a very....shall we say...excited husband, covering me with kisses and grinning from ear to ear. Things started to get really steamy when, as a complete shock to me, my husband asks "What if we start trying now?"......Say what?! "Are you sure you're ready?" I asked. He just smiled at me. "I'm ready." he said, "If you are ready, I want to start trying." My mind started racing. For a few minutes we talked it out and...well...it ended with us trying for the first time! I'm nearly certain it's not my ovulating time, so I don't really expect that I could already be on my way to getting pregnant. But still, it was a huge step in the Pickle-making direction! All day I have been in a daze. We could very well be getting pregnant a little earlier than expected! In my need to be ready for the baby, I completely finished the "What to expect before expecting" book and I'm ready to get the next one, "What to expect when you're expecting". The plan is to do the ol' baby dance every other day to keep up our chance of conception, but I really don't know if we'll get pregnant this first time around. Of course I have my hopes, but I don't want to get them so high that I stress myself into conception worries. I just want to try and relax and enjoy the process.

So there ya go....we have officially started trying for Pickle!!! We've waited and planned for this for so long. We're a month earlier then originally planned, but after discussing it all this morning, we feel we are as ready as we'll ever be. The funny thing is, my husband seems more oddly calm than me. He seems so zen about it all. I, on the other hand, feel very nervous and excited. My body, my whole life, could very well be going through a huge change soon. So here we go! Trying for Pickle, take one!

One hundred swimming Pickles on the wall,
One hundred swimming Pickles,
Take one down, pass it around,
ninety nine swimming Pickles on the wall.

Day 142...Spilt beans

Yesterday my husband and I went to go visit our friends up at college. Actually, it was our one friend who wanted us to come up and finally meet her new boyfriend that she had met a few months back when she started attending WWU. It was great seeing her again and her boyfriend seemed like a really nice guy. Plus it was really fun to go visit the old alma mater. The campus is changing a lot though, so it's kind of sad to see our old stomping grounds ripped up and shuffled about. But it was still fun to reminisce.

Anyway, while we were visiting, my friend's phone alarm went off. "What was that for?" I asked her. "It's time for me to take my pill."
"Your pill? What pill?" I asked.
"You know...THE pill. You know what I'm talking about. You're on THE pill too aren't you?"
I paused for a moment. "Well.....not anymore actually."
My friend looked back at me, "Why?....."
"Because....."
She smiled, "Is it because you're going to be trying for Pickle?" She asked.
I couldn't keep quiet. We told her how we were planning the pregnancy months ago, how we've been doing mass research and getting ourselves into shape, how I'm now on prenatal vitamins, and how we're planning on trying starting next month.

I expected her to be shocked or at least surprised, but I guess she knows us too well. She hardly seemed shocked at all! But, then again, she even knew when we first got the nick-name Pickle, so I guess she kinda saw it coming. Either way, it felt so weird to finally tell someone that we knew. I'm sure that it'll be even more exciting to announce when we are actually pregnant. I can hardly wait!

Pickle with a side of spilt beans.

Day 141...2010!

Happy New Year! It's 2010 and I can't wait for all the amazing things to come! This is the year (if all goes to plan) that we'll be having Pickle!!! It's so weird to think we'll be trying next month. Just saying that makes it all feel so soon. Well...probably because it IS so soon!

Yesterday I joined the http://www.whattoexpect.com/ website. I love it almost as much as the book. I already posted on their forums asking for advice and it's already proven extremely helpful. My question was how many prenatal vitamins I should be taking in a day. The vitamin I'm on says to take it 6 times a day and that seemed like a lot to me. I was worried about getting an overdose of vitamins and minerals. But someone pointed out to me that the listed amount of vitamins was based off of the amount per serving, meaning 6 tablets. So starting today I am taking the full amount, as opposed to the one pill I was taking the past couple of days.

It's so nice to have other people I can talk to and get the support that I need. Not to say that my husband hasn't been extremely supportive. But there are some things that neither of us understand since we're new to this whole baby making thing. So it's nice to talk to people with experience or at least who are in the same boat. Today someone even wished me luck on getting a BFP (big fat positive)! It made me giddy. I could very well be pregnant soon and people are already wishing me luck!

Also, I'm happy to say that my period has come in full force today. I guess it really was just a week late. Either way, I'm not going to complain about the pain or anything because I'm just that happy that my body was able to regulate its self so soon. :)

As they would say on the forums: Happy AF is here so I can TTC with my DH next month, hoping for a BFP after our first time doing the BD for OLP.

-Translation: Happy Aunt Flow is here so I can Try To Conceive with my Dear Husband next month, hoping for a Big Fat Positive after our first time doing the Baby Dance for Our Little Pickle.