Day 139...Dashed hopes

It was a heart-breaking day. Although I had mild cramping, there was still no sign of my period. Never have I started as late as Wednesday! I knew my body would probably need time to adjust to menstruating on its own without the assistance of my birth control, but I had honestly thought it would still come in around its usual time. If I skipped my period completely, that meant I didn't ovulate, and if I didn't ovulate, that means my body isn't ready for making a baby. In my panic, I set to google searching the subject (I couldn't exactly talk to my friends and family about it since none of them have been in my situation) and successfully scared myself all the more. In my search I learned about women who didn't get their periods back until nearly a year after coming off their birth control! Women who were infertile because they had taken birth control for so long, their bodies were unable to get back on track. I was mortified! What if my period didn't come at all? What if we couldn't have Pickle because of me? Waves of guilt and frustration poured over me. I spent the majority of the day crying, praying to God I wasn't going to be infertile for months or worse...years!

To eliminating other possibilities, I took a pregnancy test. Somewhere deep inside me, I hoped more that I was, by chance, pregnant early rather than infertile. But it came up negative. I haven't even tried getting pregnant and already I'm tired of seeing negative pregnancy tests. We have had a few "scares" in the past which, about this time last year, made us originally realize we wanted a baby. When we saw how sad we were to get a negative test, we came to understand how much we actually wanted a baby. Thus the spark of planning for Pickle began. Then in the summer, we knew we wanted to start trying in the new year. Anyway...I'm getting side-tracked. The test was negative and I had no other explanation for my period not showing up other than my body's inability to menstruate on its own without birth control, rendering me infertile. My hopes were dashed and my heart broken. I didn't want to be the reason why we couldn't bring our Pickle...our beautiful baby into the world.

As a quick side-note, I started my prenatal vitamin for the first time. It says on the bottle that, when pregnant or nursing to take up to 6 vitamins in a day! I'm just starting with one until the doctor says otherwise.

I'm trying Pickle! I'm doing everything I can. Please God let my body regulate so that we can try for our baby. Please don't let me be the reason why we couldn't have Pickle! Don't let there be ANY reason we can't have Pickle....please!