Day 113...Roller-coaster

This blog my seem a little TMI for some but hey...it's all part of logging my experiences with preparing for Pickle.

Last night my husband and I had sex for the first time without me being on my birth-control. We used condoms of course since we're not trying yet. But still...I was actually quite nervous. It hit me...I'm not on my birth-control anymore!....We're gonna be trying for a baby soon! My emotions suddenly exploded all over the place. I even had some difficulty trying to get into the mood and moment without my mind racing. I mean...I was in the mood for sure! It was just hard to get out of all the thoughts clouding my mind. I kept thinking "my God! I'm not on birth-control anymore! We're going to have a baby! My whole body is going to change! Am I ready? We're going to be responsible for a life! Will our baby be close to me, or will they feel distant? Will they feel that bond with me? Am I going to be a good mom? Will my husband and I ever have time to be romantic and silly together anymore after we have Pickle? Holy crap we're going to be pregnant soon!"

Mixed in with all the never ending questions was also excitement. It was the kind of scary but exhilarating rush you can get from riding a roller-coaster. In some ways, it almost seems easier for those who "accidentally" get pregnant. They don't have to deal with all the anticipation and worry. They just have to deal with a sudden coping of their sudden pregnancy. But for us, we are actually planning and preparing for a baby. We're knowingly going to be trying for a baby! So if anything goes wrong, or we get overwhelmed with our new pregnancy, it's all on our heads for choosing it!

After we finished doing...ahem...I laid in my husband's arms with wide eyes as wave after wave of emotions and thoughts flooded my mind. It took me awhile to get to bed.

Today however, after having time to process everything after that first big step, (keep in mind, it is huge for me to be having sex without birth-control! This is my very first time not having that backup contraceptive floating around in my system. My husband and I have always been very diligent about using protection.) the feeling of excitement started to outweigh my shaking nerves. As I thought more and more about it, my confidence grew stronger. After digesting it all, I am feeling quite excited about having a baby! Don't get me wrong, I was excited all along and never doubted whether I want to go through with it. I know 100% that I do! It's just a huge decision that I do not take lightly. I am nervous, but extremely excited!

"You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it."--Parenthood.

I'm ready for ya Pickle! I'm ready to raise you, ready to care for you, ready to love you.