My husband and I have been going over our budget, trying to see if we can afford to move to another apartment closer to work so we don't wear down our car and spend too much on gas. But as it seems, it is way too tight on our budget to live in that area. Sadly enough we are in a dead-lock. We either live where we are and spend more on gas, or we live near our jobs and spend more on rent. Either way...we're screwed. If we hope to even come close to saving enough for me to stay at home with the baby, we'd have no flexibility within our budget. This means, no unexpected bills, no trips to the doctor, no going out...nothing.
The thought of putting off the pregnancy until a later time kills me. It's hard enough to wait as it is. But can I really be so selfish as to bring a baby into this world with no means to take care of it? Lord knows unexpected bills will come up, but I don't want to just ditch my baby in daycare and go right back to work. ....I just can't....
So what do we do? I often wonder how so many people I know can just blunder through their lives without any forethought and still manage to pull things off. And yet, here I am taking extra precautions to plan ahead and make things work and I get nothing but more limitations. Is life really not meant to be planned out? Am I suppose to be stupid and just throw all caution to the wind? How could I possibly be a good parent if I were to be so reckless?! I thought this job was a good sign, preparing me for parenthood. Now it seems as if the universe is taunting me, demanding that I put my life on hold and wait. And for what?....money....always money. I hate how much it has dictated my life.
At the moment, it feels as if Pickle is just beyond my reach, stretching his/her little hands out, crying for me to hold them. And I am being forced to shrug my shoulders and say, "Sorry Pickle. Momma just can't afford you right now." :'(
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