I'm not even sure where to being....
On May 12 I had unusual discharge, like a mucus plug that came out unexpectedly. I called the nurse for my Obgyn and told her the situation. She explained to me that it didn't sound unusual. Since there was no blood or unusual odor, it was probably just normal discharge and that, sometimes in pregnancy, the discharge can get kind of heavy. She told me to keep watch on it and make sure there wasn't a continual increase in discharge over the next few days because it might be a sign of infection.
Over the next couple days, things seemed to settle down and the discharge nearly went away. But on Thursday May 18th, I started to get a large amount of runny wet discharge in the evening. The following morning, May 19th, I woke up to even more wet discharge. I called the Obgyn and the nurse told me to come in as soon as possible. My husband picked me up from work and we rushed there right away.
After doing a pelvic exam, the doctor informed me that I had what is called an incompetent cervix. As a result, I was already dilating and she could already see the fluid sac coming down.
At 11am I was rushed to the hospital. They ran tests and did an ultrasound to determine if an emergency cerclage could be performed to save the baby. We sat there for nearly an hour watching our baby on the ultrasound monitor, watching him roll around, stretch, and even yawn. The woman performing the ultrasound said he looked great.
I wish that moment lasted longer. I wish we could have frozen time from that moment on. Because shortly to follow was another doctor who informed us that there was nothing that could be done to save the pregnancy. My water had already broken and the fluid sack was too far down to reverse the damage. They were going to have to induce me and we were going to lose the baby. All I can remember was feeling a hot prickly feeling run through my body as I watched my husband sitting beside my bed, holding his head, tears running down his face. Guilt, sadness, anger, hope, it all ran through me before I could even comprehend what was going on. No matter how many times he tried to reassure me there was nothing we could do and they were 100% positive this pregnancy was a lost cause, I couldn't help but think that there had to be something that could be done. That maybe the fluid sake would slip back in by some miracle, that perhaps I could just keep my pelvis elevated and maybe the baby could be saved....anything but lose him.
On May 20th, a month ago today, at 1pm, I gave birth to our son. He was 11 1/2 inches long, weighing 11oz. He had long legs and his hands and feet were big like his dad's, the long legs and big feet that liked to kick me after every meal I ate. God how I miss that feeling. He had my nose. He had perfect little fingers and toes that had little nails on them, the same fingers that would have wrapped around my husband's finger. In his open little mouth I could see his sweet little tongue that would have drank from my breast. For a wondrous and terrible moment, we held our son and wept over his lifeless body. On May 20, 2010, we gave birth to our son Joseph Eugene Lawrence Belousek Jr., our beautiful baby boy. I will always remember him and the way he changed my life forever.
I'll love you forever,
I like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My son you will be.
Goodbye my little Pickle.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Post 198...Updates on the walking incubator
I never knew how difficult every day activities would become once I got pregnant. In the morning I'm running to the kitchen for breakfast so as to stave off the nausiating hunger pains that built up over the night. During the day I'm beginning to drag my feet at work, choking back emotional ups and downs that hit me in times of stress. By 9pm I'm falling asleep on the couch, only to wake up and start it all again. All things considered, it's been an extremely easy pregnancy. My morning sickness has gone and for the most part, my mood swings are minimal (or at least, so I hope. My husband swears that I've been fine minus my times of random crying that seems to hit me more than anything else.), and even on the weight side of things I haven't been gaining too much or too fast. Which is surprizing considering this baby has me craving cheeseburgers and butterfinger blizzards that I have unfortunately givin into a couple of times. >_< And yet, in spite of the junk I have been giving into from time to time, I haven't gained much weight and I'm just barely starting to show now at a little over 16 weeks. Today, however, I'm determined to get some healthier snacks in the house and try desperately not to give in to the trash this baby wants to eat. Pickle's not even born yet and already they're so much like their father! lol
There have been great things happening, however, in all my daze of work and sleep. On April 2nd, for the first time, we got to hear the baby's heart beat. It was exhilarating! I was so glad we caught it on tape because it seemed like the moment came and went in an instant. So when we got home, we watched it over and over again. The heartbeat was at a strong 150+. We even got to hear the little blip of them kicking at the microphone! It certainly made everything feel more real.
Lately I've been feeling some flutters of movement (or what I think is the baby moving anyway). It's a subtle feeling like a mix between a muscle spasm and gas. Actually, for the longest time I just dismissed it as indigestion, but once it became a little stronger and more frequent (even when I wasn't having any digestion issues going on) I figured it must be the baby starting to make their presence known. It's low in my stomach near the bikini line. When I'm sitting down and resting, I can feel the slight wiggle of our little future ball of energy.
A few days ago, a co-worker of mine gave me a generous gift. She has three kids who have all out-grown their baby things, so as a gift from one experienced mom to a new one, she offered me a bunch of the baby things they wouldn't be needing anymore. This included: two car seats (one infant, one toddler), a high chair, a bouncy chair, a toilet trainer, a toddler bike, a nursing pillow, blankets, and a baby Einstein learning mat. I was blown away! Although, to be honest; once we got the baby stuff into our apartment, I stood there in a "OH MY GOD AM I READY FOR THIS?!?!" moment. But now that it's been here for a couple days, I'm more comfortable with it...for now. Anyway, there are two other co-workers at MCH that are also pregnant, but she wanted to give these things to me since I'm the only one there having my first child. I was so overwhelmed by her generosity I nearly cried. Today I'm baking her cookies as a way of saying thanks. I really feel so blessed being in such a wonderful community of experienced parents! With every step of this pregnancy I have not once felt alone.
Tomorrow will be our next checkup. Going to these doctor visits feels like we get to visit the baby. Even though they are with us all the time, their presence is so tiny we hardly get to hear from them much. But at the doctor's we get to see or hear them loud and clear. But soon enough we won't need the doctor to help us see and feel our baby. For now, my husband and I still talk to the baby and keep our hands waiting on my tummy for some tiny bump of movement.
Yesterday I considered canceling my blog, figuring that the gaps in time with each post and the overall lack of motivation and energy I've been feeling every day would be enough of an excuse to drop things. But with as fast as Pickle will be here and growing up, I figure I should at least try and capture some of these fleeting memories before they're already having children of their own.
My name is Jennifer and I am prosperous,
always, and in all ways.
There have been great things happening, however, in all my daze of work and sleep. On April 2nd, for the first time, we got to hear the baby's heart beat. It was exhilarating! I was so glad we caught it on tape because it seemed like the moment came and went in an instant. So when we got home, we watched it over and over again. The heartbeat was at a strong 150+. We even got to hear the little blip of them kicking at the microphone! It certainly made everything feel more real.
Lately I've been feeling some flutters of movement (or what I think is the baby moving anyway). It's a subtle feeling like a mix between a muscle spasm and gas. Actually, for the longest time I just dismissed it as indigestion, but once it became a little stronger and more frequent (even when I wasn't having any digestion issues going on) I figured it must be the baby starting to make their presence known. It's low in my stomach near the bikini line. When I'm sitting down and resting, I can feel the slight wiggle of our little future ball of energy.
A few days ago, a co-worker of mine gave me a generous gift. She has three kids who have all out-grown their baby things, so as a gift from one experienced mom to a new one, she offered me a bunch of the baby things they wouldn't be needing anymore. This included: two car seats (one infant, one toddler), a high chair, a bouncy chair, a toilet trainer, a toddler bike, a nursing pillow, blankets, and a baby Einstein learning mat. I was blown away! Although, to be honest; once we got the baby stuff into our apartment, I stood there in a "OH MY GOD AM I READY FOR THIS?!?!" moment. But now that it's been here for a couple days, I'm more comfortable with it...for now. Anyway, there are two other co-workers at MCH that are also pregnant, but she wanted to give these things to me since I'm the only one there having my first child. I was so overwhelmed by her generosity I nearly cried. Today I'm baking her cookies as a way of saying thanks. I really feel so blessed being in such a wonderful community of experienced parents! With every step of this pregnancy I have not once felt alone.
Tomorrow will be our next checkup. Going to these doctor visits feels like we get to visit the baby. Even though they are with us all the time, their presence is so tiny we hardly get to hear from them much. But at the doctor's we get to see or hear them loud and clear. But soon enough we won't need the doctor to help us see and feel our baby. For now, my husband and I still talk to the baby and keep our hands waiting on my tummy for some tiny bump of movement.
Yesterday I considered canceling my blog, figuring that the gaps in time with each post and the overall lack of motivation and energy I've been feeling every day would be enough of an excuse to drop things. But with as fast as Pickle will be here and growing up, I figure I should at least try and capture some of these fleeting memories before they're already having children of their own.
My name is Jennifer and I am prosperous,
always, and in all ways.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Post 197...Are you still there?
This past week has been fairly tame as far as pregnancy symptoms go. So much in fact that it has me worrying if they're doing okay. I guess I figured my symptoms would be ramping up until I made it to the second trimester when it's suppose to simmer down. But it seems like everything has calmed down a lot already. I feel some queasiness every now and then and occasionally some heartburn, but otherwise not much else. I know it's TMI but even my movements (yup, I'm talking about my poop. Told ya...TMI) have been easier. Of course, part of that is because of the meds they put me on for my bladder infection. An unfortunate side affect of the meds was major loose poops. Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway, maybe I've just been so distracted that my symptoms haven't stood out that much to me. It was a hellacious week at work where they basically had me running laps around the place!
I'm still falling asleep super early and I swear my boobs are exploding in size! Yesterday I couldn't even fit in one of my cute t-shirts because my boobs were too mashed in it. I know I'm still getting plenty of symptoms to tell me that I'm still growing a baby, but I'm a first class professional worrier....it's what I do. If worrying was a job, I'd be CEO by now! What is getting to me, I suppose, is the announcement to all our family and friends. Letting everyone know opens up the possibility of everyone knowing if we were to miscarry. I don't know why that bothers me. You would think I would want the support if that were the case but, in some ways, I'd feel like I let everyone down. Not to mention, it would be the never ending subject. Every time I'd be around friends it would be nothing but sensitive conversations and sympathy which I can only take so much of. I just want so badly for Pickle to be okay and to carry out full term happy and healthy. At least I have another check up with the doctor in just a few weeks. If all goes well, I'll be in my second trimester by then!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby Pickle!...I know...clever right? Hey, cut me a break. I'm not allowed to have coffee anymore so don't expect me to be witty this early in the morning! lol
I'm still falling asleep super early and I swear my boobs are exploding in size! Yesterday I couldn't even fit in one of my cute t-shirts because my boobs were too mashed in it. I know I'm still getting plenty of symptoms to tell me that I'm still growing a baby, but I'm a first class professional worrier....it's what I do. If worrying was a job, I'd be CEO by now! What is getting to me, I suppose, is the announcement to all our family and friends. Letting everyone know opens up the possibility of everyone knowing if we were to miscarry. I don't know why that bothers me. You would think I would want the support if that were the case but, in some ways, I'd feel like I let everyone down. Not to mention, it would be the never ending subject. Every time I'd be around friends it would be nothing but sensitive conversations and sympathy which I can only take so much of. I just want so badly for Pickle to be okay and to carry out full term happy and healthy. At least I have another check up with the doctor in just a few weeks. If all goes well, I'll be in my second trimester by then!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby Pickle!...I know...clever right? Hey, cut me a break. I'm not allowed to have coffee anymore so don't expect me to be witty this early in the morning! lol
Monday, March 8, 2010
Post 196...Announcement
Saturday, March 6th was the day of my birthday party. We had been thinking about the day for weeks before, and on the day of, our nerves were certainly getting the best of us! With all the excitement of the announcement, I hardly thought about my birthday even once. I did however get spoiled with my birthday gifts! I not only got the movie UP that I was wanting, but everyone pooled together to get me a new laptop! So I am now navigating through my computer at the speed of light! It is so much nicer! Plus it has a built in webcam so when I'm home with the baby, I'll be able to stream live videos of Pickle to my husband while he's at work! It's perfect!
Anyway, the time came for the cake. I grabbed the video camera and sat so I could catch our parents' reaction. They all sang happy birthday as my husband brought out the cake. He set it down in front of them and there was a sudden silence in the room as everyone gasped. "Are you trying to tell us something?!" "Are you seriously pregnant?!" The questions started popping out. "Yup...it's for real! We're pregnant!" Everyone erupted with squeals, jumping from their seats to come and hug us. The response was perfect! Everyone was so happy and excited, congratulating us as the news sunk in. We then brought out the pictures of the ultrasound and confessed that we had been planning the pregnancy for nearly a year now. They seemed truly surprised.
I am so glad that everyone is so happy about it and so supportive. It feels so much better to have it out in the open now (although I still have to wait until the end of this month before telling my co-workers). In some ways, now that everyone knows, I'm a little more nervous again about being sure the baby will stick around for the full term. But I know in my heart...Pickle is here to stay!
As one last side note, I also wrote a new song for Pickle. Someday I'll have to post the lyrics. :)
Happy birthday....it's a Pickle!
Anyway, the time came for the cake. I grabbed the video camera and sat so I could catch our parents' reaction. They all sang happy birthday as my husband brought out the cake. He set it down in front of them and there was a sudden silence in the room as everyone gasped. "Are you trying to tell us something?!" "Are you seriously pregnant?!" The questions started popping out. "Yup...it's for real! We're pregnant!" Everyone erupted with squeals, jumping from their seats to come and hug us. The response was perfect! Everyone was so happy and excited, congratulating us as the news sunk in. We then brought out the pictures of the ultrasound and confessed that we had been planning the pregnancy for nearly a year now. They seemed truly surprised.
I am so glad that everyone is so happy about it and so supportive. It feels so much better to have it out in the open now (although I still have to wait until the end of this month before telling my co-workers). In some ways, now that everyone knows, I'm a little more nervous again about being sure the baby will stick around for the full term. But I know in my heart...Pickle is here to stay!
As one last side note, I also wrote a new song for Pickle. Someday I'll have to post the lyrics. :)
Happy birthday....it's a Pickle!
Post 195...test results
On Friday I found out that all of my test results came back perfectly healthy except for a small bladder infection that I tested positive for. So the doctor started me on some meds to help fight the infection. Unfortunately, since I'm allergic to penicillin, I had to take an alternative medicine that had the potential of side effects. But other than that, everything else came back healthy.
In addition to that, I was worried that my stomach was already showing too early. But after doing some further reading in What to Expect When Expecting, apparently having weak lower abdominals could be part of the reason my stomach is already starting to pop. Since my growing uterus doesn't have to push through a lot of hard muscles, it's possible that's why I already have a bit of a bump. It's also probably in combination with bloating that is causing my clothes to already feel a little snug. It doesn't help though that, at work, my boss was already saying she could see my stomach getting bigger. It shouldn't be that noticeable already! So to help myself feel a little better, I got a new flowy dress for my birthday so that my stomach would be less visible.
Pop goes the preggo!
In addition to that, I was worried that my stomach was already showing too early. But after doing some further reading in What to Expect When Expecting, apparently having weak lower abdominals could be part of the reason my stomach is already starting to pop. Since my growing uterus doesn't have to push through a lot of hard muscles, it's possible that's why I already have a bit of a bump. It's also probably in combination with bloating that is causing my clothes to already feel a little snug. It doesn't help though that, at work, my boss was already saying she could see my stomach getting bigger. It shouldn't be that noticeable already! So to help myself feel a little better, I got a new flowy dress for my birthday so that my stomach would be less visible.
Pop goes the preggo!
Day 194...A change in plans
Honestly, it's been so long since I've done a blog that I can't really remember what happened two weeks back. As I've been getting more and more tired with the pregnancy and the other symptoms have been taking their toll on me, I don't think I'm going to continue trying to blog for every day. I haven't been so great at keeping up the blogs daily as it is and find myself having to make up for lost time. So rather than try to ramble on for blog after blog, I'm going to only blog when I either learn new things or have bigger things happening to me and Pickle.
So to start, on Monday March 1st, my husband and I went for our first appointment with the Ob-gyn. I had to answer a series of questions about family medical history followed by urine and blood samples I had to give for further testing. But after all was said and done, the most amazing part came...the ultrasound! For just a few minutes, we got to see Pickle for the first time! It was the most powerful, breath-taking moment! There was Pickle wiggling around on the screen. We wanted to watch the baby longer, but the moment quickly ended. The doctor took a few pictures for us to take home and we set our next few appointments. I really liked my Ob-gyn and the staff there was very helpful. But all the way home, the only thing I could do was stare at the pictures of Pickle in disbelief that that beautiful little life was inside me. My husband and I were besides ourselves. Seeing our baby for the first time was one of the most life changing moments ever!
Pictures of Pickle...it's a Kodak moment.
So to start, on Monday March 1st, my husband and I went for our first appointment with the Ob-gyn. I had to answer a series of questions about family medical history followed by urine and blood samples I had to give for further testing. But after all was said and done, the most amazing part came...the ultrasound! For just a few minutes, we got to see Pickle for the first time! It was the most powerful, breath-taking moment! There was Pickle wiggling around on the screen. We wanted to watch the baby longer, but the moment quickly ended. The doctor took a few pictures for us to take home and we set our next few appointments. I really liked my Ob-gyn and the staff there was very helpful. But all the way home, the only thing I could do was stare at the pictures of Pickle in disbelief that that beautiful little life was inside me. My husband and I were besides ourselves. Seeing our baby for the first time was one of the most life changing moments ever!
Pictures of Pickle...it's a Kodak moment.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Day 193...Emotional wreck
Today I was an emotional wreck! I stared off the morning feeling randy. Then I started to cry, sobbing to my husband about how much I miss him as he's been working overtime lately. Then I got cranky and fussy as I got ready for work. I cried again in the car before going into work. And when I was finally at work, I was fine. Other than nausea every now and then, I hardly felt any symptoms. I don't know what it is about being at work, but keeping busy at work has distracted me enough from feeling much of my pregnancy symptoms. But as soon as I get home, the nausea and sleepiness catches up to me. At least I didn't vomit today.
Pickle Pregnancy symptoms- occasional nausea, some dizziness, extremely emotional, greasy skin.
Pickle Pregnancy symptoms- occasional nausea, some dizziness, extremely emotional, greasy skin.
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