Day 116...Weeping Buddha

A long, long time ago there were two warriors who confronted each other in numerous battles. Both of them wore masks and never saw each other's face. After many such encounters, one finally prevailed and the younger warrior was killed. Upon removing his opponents mask the older warrior discovered he had killed his own long lost son. He placed his head in his lap and filled with sorrow, the brave old warrior started to cry.

It is said that "the weeping Buddha" is a wood carved statue of the older warrior.

On the other hand, it is also said that the weeping Buddha was created for young wood carvers. So they could begin their apprenticeship by learning to carve the weeping buddha, and master the curves of the human body before learning the more delicate features of the face.

Others refer to the meditative posture of the weeping Buddha which, in many cultures, is believed to open and activate the third eye. It is supposed to be a very centering and peaceful posture, if you are a flexible person.

But the most beautiful story of them all: the Buddha is weeping for the troubles of the world, absorbing the common grief. The weeping Buddha cries so no one else has to.

My husband and I got one of these carvings this weekend. Today, when feeling emotionally strained, my husband placed the weeping Buddha in my hand. He looked so sad that my troubles seemed so small, and obsolete. For the majority of the day I struggled with feeling everything and nothing all at once. With so many thoughts and emotions running through my head I found myself playing the role of the observer more than anything else; hardly feeling any of the emotions I knew were there. I wasn't happy or sad; just there.

I'm so excited to have Pickle, and yet in some respect, I feel silly for being so excited this early. I know it is a big deal and that it is perfectly fine for me to be excited, but at the same time I am stuck just doing research. I'm so anxious to feel and experience all that there is in pregnancy but I am stuck playing the waiting game. So in turn, I feel both happy and sad all at once.

Perhaps my Weeping Buddha can ease my mind about my feelings.

Namaste. Pickle.

Day 115...I can haz 50 million swimmerz?

Daddy day! Woo!

My wife and I have gone a little over a full month without alcohol and caffeine, because we knew those could be potentially harmful to the baby making process. We knew the effects on the egg and a growing baby, but we didn't know how the sperm would be affected.

Well, from using the limited resources online about male fertility--let's face it, google and pregnancy show up only womanly topics--I found only one real site that said anything about really cutting back on caffeine and alcohol months in advance. However, one interesting fact I found was that sperm takes 3 months to fully mature.

The main effect of alcohol, I found was that it represses the numbers of swimmers, and/or deforms them. Sperm can be deformed in a variety of ways: elongated heads, multiple heads, no tails, multiple tails, bumps (I forget the term) on the head and tail. All of these make it harder for the sperm to swim, thus harder to get pregnant.

There is also another side-effect of having alcohol, is that it reduces levels of zinc in the body. Zinc is one of the major components of the sperm's coating that protects it. Lower zinc, means lower longevity in a harmful environment (a.k.a the vagoo).

I couldn't actually find anything about caffeine. Time to hit the books about both of these things.

So, potentially, alcohol and caffeine could find a way to influence sperm development, but the alcohol studies I read were mostly about heavy daily drinking versus one drink in a month.

If you really want to cover your bases, you should probably avoid both. It really isn't that bad! Beyond the pounding headache I had for the first three days of no caffeine (Redbull is my good friend), finding substitutes are easy. For example, caffeine free coke makes it seem like the holidays without the effects on the swimmers. And after a while, Sprite is an adequate substitute. As for alcohol, a lot of the time a glass of wine or a dry martini up with olives top shelf....still makes me drool....but this is my part of being in this partnership and this goal. So, think about you, your woman, and your future baby. It is easy to go without.

She can't take much more of this sort of pounding, Captain Pickle!

Day 114...They can do what inside me?!?

My husband and I were watching "Baby Mama" and the scene came up where the water broke. It got me wondering, "what really happens when your water breaks and when does it happen?" So, I did some research and found out some interesting things.

First of all, only 10% of pregnant women have their water break before going into labor. In some cases it is really dramatic and others times it can be just a little trickle. The really interesting thing is that the amniotic fluid can be one of four colors: clear, pink, brown, or green! Apparently, it can be brown or green because the baby could have had an early bowel movement while inside of you! How gross is that? A baby....POOPING....inside of you?! I also found out that the majority of amniotic fluid is actually urine from the baby. Again, gross!

Your water breaking can happen either before or after labor starts, but either way it is a sure sign that your baby is on its way! There are some cases where your water can break early in pregnancy and the doctor's need to determine whether or not to postpone or induce labor depending on the specific case.

Gross! Pickle poo in mah tummah!

Day 113...Roller-coaster

This blog my seem a little TMI for some but hey...it's all part of logging my experiences with preparing for Pickle.

Last night my husband and I had sex for the first time without me being on my birth-control. We used condoms of course since we're not trying yet. But still...I was actually quite nervous. It hit me...I'm not on my birth-control anymore!....We're gonna be trying for a baby soon! My emotions suddenly exploded all over the place. I even had some difficulty trying to get into the mood and moment without my mind racing. I mean...I was in the mood for sure! It was just hard to get out of all the thoughts clouding my mind. I kept thinking "my God! I'm not on birth-control anymore! We're going to have a baby! My whole body is going to change! Am I ready? We're going to be responsible for a life! Will our baby be close to me, or will they feel distant? Will they feel that bond with me? Am I going to be a good mom? Will my husband and I ever have time to be romantic and silly together anymore after we have Pickle? Holy crap we're going to be pregnant soon!"

Mixed in with all the never ending questions was also excitement. It was the kind of scary but exhilarating rush you can get from riding a roller-coaster. In some ways, it almost seems easier for those who "accidentally" get pregnant. They don't have to deal with all the anticipation and worry. They just have to deal with a sudden coping of their sudden pregnancy. But for us, we are actually planning and preparing for a baby. We're knowingly going to be trying for a baby! So if anything goes wrong, or we get overwhelmed with our new pregnancy, it's all on our heads for choosing it!

After we finished doing...ahem...I laid in my husband's arms with wide eyes as wave after wave of emotions and thoughts flooded my mind. It took me awhile to get to bed.

Today however, after having time to process everything after that first big step, (keep in mind, it is huge for me to be having sex without birth-control! This is my very first time not having that backup contraceptive floating around in my system. My husband and I have always been very diligent about using protection.) the feeling of excitement started to outweigh my shaking nerves. As I thought more and more about it, my confidence grew stronger. After digesting it all, I am feeling quite excited about having a baby! Don't get me wrong, I was excited all along and never doubted whether I want to go through with it. I know 100% that I do! It's just a huge decision that I do not take lightly. I am nervous, but extremely excited!

"You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it."--Parenthood.

I'm ready for ya Pickle! I'm ready to raise you, ready to care for you, ready to love you.

Day 112...Friday Eve

Today went a lot better. I felt a lot more positive. Remember the stress management book I told you about yesterday? Well I found the perfect chapter for myself today. The chapter was all about worry and anxiety. It has a lot of great insight and tips that have already been helpful. I know it'll take practice to really master it, but it's promising. I especially like the section about refuting irrational ideas, especially since I often dwell on all the 'what-ifs.' (What if we can't conceive!?!)

Anyway, aside from the more positive day, my lead told me today how she is planning on leaving the early education classes in about two years to work with the elementary kids at our school. She then assured me not to worry because she was still going to be there all next year. A twinge of guilt hit me. My lead will be there next year...but I won't! If all goes according to plan, I'll be home next year with my new born baby. She, of course, has no idea at this point since we aren't telling anyone until we are actually pregnant. I hope she won't be too disappointed, knowing that she has lost assistants before to pregnancy. But I'm sure she'll cope, as will I if I return the year after. It's just kinda sad to think this will be the only time we'll probably be working together as a team.

I'm still glad we chose not to tell everyone our baby-making plans though. My husband and I were just talking about how we know some family members might try to talk us out of it, or bombard us with advice. Considering everything, it would just make things easier to keep it to ourselves until we see that little plus sign. For now, it's our fun secret!

What if everything goes according to plan and we have Pickle just like we've planned?....

Day 111...No such luck

I tried to read this book I have for relaxation and stress management. But as I started to read it this morning, everyone at work kept rushing in and out of the break room, talking loudly on their cell phones, complaining about whatever, and all in all it made me more stressed and anxious than before.

When I came home, I tried to relax by running a nice hot bath for myself, lighting candles and grabbing a good book to read. But we apparently didn't have a lot of hot water, because the bath was only lukewarm, and when I tried to add more hot water, it ran cold!

So I tried yet again to relax by sitting down at my computer to do some typing and reading, and instead my computer decided to have issues! It tensed out my husband, and in turn tensed me out.

Now, after starting off my day attempting to manage my stress and relax a little, I'm ending it feeling more tense than to begin with! My shoulders are hurting from all the tension, I'm cold (thanks to a cold bath and a cold apartment), and now I can't have the evening that I really wanted! How in the hell am I suppose to learn how to manage my stress by the time I'm pregnant with Pickle?!

Sometimes life seems to have this great way of kicking the downtrodden square in the face. My hopes of stress relief have been Pickled.

Day 110...Stress management

Yesterday I posed the question "what can a pregnant woman do to manage her stress?" Today I found an interesting article answering that very question. I would like to do further research on the subject, because I am sure there is lots of valuable tips and suggestions out there. But for now, here is the article that I found:

"Pregnancy in and of itself is a stressor. The changes one's body undergoes, the impending life changes, and potential concerns over the health of mother and baby can be very large and very real worries. However, experts tell us that too much stress can actually become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Excessive stress in pregnancy can lead to potential problems with the pregnancy.

Some studies are suggestive that stress in pregnancy can cause certain hormonal changes that can impede the growth of the baby or bring on preterm labor. This might mean a low birth weight baby born at term, or worse a preterm birth for some women. These studies point out that are many factors at play, including socio-economic factors, health risks like smoking during pregnancy and others, but stress is definitely a factor. One study even talked about women who rated their job stress as high having a higher miscarriage rate than others.

Taking control over what we can, like a proper diet, plenty of rest, exercise, and proper health habits we can help combat stress-related problems.

Here's how the folks at Arnot Ogden Medical Center reflect on stress: "Stress is like body temperature: if it's too low or too high, you can't survive, but the right balance can keep you going strong. It makes sense to use stress energy positively, to meet life's challenges, experiences, and goals. Stress is not all bad. In fact, positive stress can make life both rich and satisfying."

Just Relax

Your first reaction is probably one of tension when someone says to you, "Just relax!" And understandably so. Even when someone is trying to be well-meaning the thought that one can simply "relax" is preposterous. Relaxation takes skill, thought and a lot of practice.

There is wisdom behind the sentiment. If you are willing to take the time to practice, relaxation will come to you and thus help reduce your stress levels. Relaxation can be practiced alone or with a partner. Here are some different forms of relaxation to help not only with pregnancy and labor but life as well.

Tense/Release Relaxation

This is simply an exercise to allow you and your partner to see and feel the difference between relaxed muscles and tense muscles. The body observation is very important and will become second nature the more you practice, even doing other techniques.

Start by getting in a comfortable position, where your partner can see the majority of your body. Use pillows to get comfortable and prevent unwanted tension. Start by having your partner tell you to tense a particular part of the body and then feel that part of the body for the feeling of tension.

Then the partner will say, "Relax." Try to say this in a very soothing voice. Now feel the difference in the relaxed muscle.

Go through each muscle group at least once, and preferably in order from head to toe or toe to head. Once you've finished spot check for areas that you know are prone to tension, the shoulders, the neck, the brow, the jaw, whatever is the place your partner hides tension the most.

Once you've worked through this exercise just lie still and focus on the in and out of your breath and make note of how your body feels when it is completely relaxed.

Progressive Relaxation

This technique simply starts with a relaxed position and you will have your partner slowly go through the muscles groups, like in the tense/release relaxation, and consciously relax each part of the body.

Using a soothing voice as you instruct her to relax each part, you can also incorporate touch into this technique. As you remember the feel of the relaxed muscle and the tense one, gently touch or stroke the area of the body that you are trying to get her to relax.

Once you've gone through all the parts of the body, start over and go through them again. Have her focus on releasing any residual tension. Reinforce her efforts with praise and encouragement. And ask for feedback.

If you are wanting to try this relaxation alone, it is definitely a good one to try! Simply do self talk either aloud, on tape or in your mind as you work through different areas of the body.

By trying to control the factors you can influence and practicing stress reducing relaxation techniques, one can significantly lower their stress levels."--http://pregnancy.about.com

There is certainly a lot more out there as far as tips for managing stress. But all in all, I suppose the tricks for managing stress are the same for everyone, pregnant and non pregnant alike. I think there is just more emphasis on pregnant women because the stress now affects themselves as well as the new life they are growing inside them. So once I am pregnant with Pickle, it will be twice as important that I learn to relax...for both our sakes!

So I will have to continue my search for more ways of managing stress when pregnant, and I'll keep you posted.

Relax don't do it
When you want to go to it
Relax don't do it
When Pickle comes