Post 199...Goodbye my son

I'm not even sure where to being....
On May 12 I had unusual discharge, like a mucus plug that came out unexpectedly. I called the nurse for my Obgyn and told her the situation. She explained to me that it didn't sound unusual. Since there was no blood or unusual odor, it was probably just normal discharge and that, sometimes in pregnancy, the discharge can get kind of heavy. She told me to keep watch on it and make sure there wasn't a continual increase in discharge over the next few days because it might be a sign of infection.

Over the next couple days, things seemed to settle down and the discharge nearly went away. But on Thursday May 18th, I started to get a large amount of runny wet discharge in the evening. The following morning, May 19th, I woke up to even more wet discharge. I called the Obgyn and the nurse told me to come in as soon as possible. My husband picked me up from work and we rushed there right away.

After doing a pelvic exam, the doctor informed me that I had what is called an incompetent cervix. As a result, I was already dilating and she could already see the fluid sac coming down.

At 11am I was rushed to the hospital. They ran tests and did an ultrasound to determine if an emergency cerclage could be performed to save the baby. We sat there for nearly an hour watching our baby on the ultrasound monitor, watching him roll around, stretch, and even yawn. The woman performing the ultrasound said he looked great.

I wish that moment lasted longer. I wish we could have frozen time from that moment on. Because shortly to follow was another doctor who informed us that there was nothing that could be done to save the pregnancy. My water had already broken and the fluid sack was too far down to reverse the damage. They were going to have to induce me and we were going to lose the baby. All I can remember was feeling a hot prickly feeling run through my body as I watched my husband sitting beside my bed, holding his head, tears running down his face. Guilt, sadness, anger, hope, it all ran through me before I could even comprehend what was going on. No matter how many times he tried to reassure me there was nothing we could do and they were 100% positive this pregnancy was a lost cause, I couldn't help but think that there had to be something that could be done. That maybe the fluid sake would slip back in by some miracle, that perhaps I could just keep my pelvis elevated and maybe the baby could be saved....anything but lose him.

On May 20th, a month ago today, at 1pm, I gave birth to our son. He was 11 1/2 inches long, weighing 11oz. He had long legs and his hands and feet were big like his dad's, the long legs and big feet that liked to kick me after every meal I ate. God how I miss that feeling. He had my nose. He had perfect little fingers and toes that had little nails on them, the same fingers that would have wrapped around my husband's finger. In his open little mouth I could see his sweet little tongue that would have drank from my breast. For a wondrous and terrible moment, we held our son and wept over his lifeless body. On May 20, 2010, we gave birth to our son Joseph Eugene Lawrence Belousek Jr., our beautiful baby boy. I will always remember him and the way he changed my life forever.

I'll love you forever,
I like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My son you will be.
Goodbye my little Pickle.